Joe’s sister Rachel, Vicki, Valerie, and Alina with Amanda at her wedding as filmed on TLC’s My Three Wives last summer.

Members from the polygamous community of Centennial Park were recently featured in a special called Polygamy USA which aired on National Geographic. We have not seen it yet but understand it to be well done. We are excited to watch the first episode and subsequent episodes to follow. Centennial Park has participated in many media specials and they have a high standard of doing exceptional things in their community.

Since we do not belong to any church or religious group, we inevitably get questions about the differences between us and a community like Centennial Park, or us and the Brown family of Sister Wives. Doctrinally we are probably not as different as we are culturally. Until the early 1950’s Mormon Fundamentalists were largely one group; differences arose in questions of who held priesthood authority and many of the current churches that practice plural marriage were established. Many of us share common roots.

For those of you who watched our television special, My Three Wives you probably know that our daughter Amanda married a young man from, and currently lives in Centennial Park, Arizona. She is in love not just with her husband, but with the community. We have met so many good people there; it is easy to see why.

One of the more obvious differences between us is the mode of dress. Centennial Park is more conservative in tradition. In their culture the women predominately wear dresses and the men long sleeve shirts. There are many other cultural differences we continue to discover, such as the work missions that many of their young men participate in.

Also, we do not live in a polygamous community like Centennial Park, but in a suburban neighborhood. Like us, Centennial Park is committed to the education of their children. They have a highly ranked charter school and a high school within their community. Our children attend local public and charter schools.

Another difference is that Centennial Park practices a form of placement marriage. In most cases men do not solicit marriage that decision is left up to the women. In our family there are no placement marriages but we as parents try to be involved with guidance and counsel as our children choose their mates for life. Amanda and Rob did not practice placement marriage. In their case they met through some mutual friends.

Doctrinally Centennial Park subscribes to a “Priesthood Council” leadership. In the early 1980’s among the group that lived in Colorado City Arizona, there was a dispute concerning leadership. Some members believed in “one man rule” while others believed the group should be led by a priesthood council. Eventually, the group split, those who followed the “one man rule” system came to be known as the FLDS. Those who followed the idea of a council for leadership left Colorado City and founded the town of Centennial Park. Today there is no formal relationship between Centennial Park and the FLDS.

We do not feel we have any leader or prophet on the earth at this time and that their church is not sanctioned by God, as such we do not belong to their group.  Hence, we are known as “Independents” meaning we have no church or community affiliation. The Browns are part of a different sect known as the Apostolic United Brethren, and we feel the same about their church as we do about Centennial Park. However, there are many fine people in the different polygamous groups.

It is our belief that we are more alike than different, and so long as these communities do not espouse abuse, neglect or force in their practice of polygamy we should unite in decriminalizing polygamy for all of our families. 

Joe and Alina on a Jeep tour

Of late, Alina and Joe went on a two-week vacation (part work, part play), and soon thereafter Vicki and Joe went on a week long vacation. While I was very excited for them and glad they got to get away and spend some time, I also had some moments of jealousy. Some of the feelings that came up surprised me while others were familiar and even expected. The trip with Alina was a full two weeks! Joe has never been on a trip that long with one of his wives (only for work), and so that alone started me thinking about how they were going to have such a great bonding time. I could just imagine all the things they’d see and experience together.

Hanging out with Asher and his parents

Also, they were going to spend some time with Asher, their grandson and his parents, and I actually found myself quite jealous of that. Even though he is not my biological grandson, I love him like crazy! And I want him to know me as a grandma too, that will love him and spoil him and be proud of him. The whole time they were gone, I did pretty well, and it wasn’t hard to keep my mind occupied with other things. With Alina gone, Vicki and I were taking on many of the household responsibilities that she would normally be doing. Some days it seemed like it was go-go-go all day long. It was a labor of love but I confess, in years past there have been times that I have struggled with having a good attitude about those kinds of things. I would resent the extra workload, and feel unappreciated while imagining them off playing and having a great time. I just knew that they forgot that without me, the trip they were on would not even be a remote possibility.  Can you see the pity-party I must have had?

Vicki and I while Joe and Alina were on vacation

That way of thinking wasn’t working for me so I redefined it and now it is much more satisfying. For their trip, I made a conscious choice to do everything in my power to create a vacation for them where they could rest easy knowing that everything at home was running smoothly in their absence.  I did my best but there was a night when Alina’s two young daughters got scared when they were in bed and unbeknownst to me, decided to call their mom. It was already late where we live, but with the time difference it was really late for Alina. They woke her up from her sleep, then she got emotional because she missed them so much, then Joe called me to find out what was going on…. etc. etc. Eventually we got it all settled.

The next day, while talking to Joe on the phone, he shares with me that they went shopping today and they found a shop with a lot of great dresses. He picked some out for Alina to try on that they both liked and they ended up being affordable. So he bought her two dresses. I don’t know why but that just got to me. I started quietly crying and was still determined not to let him know but he knows me too well and asked me what was the matter.

“Nothing!” I sobbed. He listened while I unloaded all of my feelings.

I mean, I love it when Joe picks something out for me. He’s really good at picking out a style that I wouldn’t normally choose for myself, but I usually end up loving a different look. The desire for that and the emotion of carrying the load for two weeks came flooding forth. It was more time than I care to spend away from him.

Vicki, looking gorgeous in The Bahamas

After that, I was just glad when they finally got home! Next, it was time for Joe and Vicki’s trip…a cruise over to the Bahamas and back. It is easy to forget my two recent trips with Joe myself. It is in our nature to think of ourselves first I suppose. However imperfect I am at it, I am grateful for the times I have been able to go outside of myself.

Alina and I working on Valentine decorations

One of the hardest things about living this way for me is the comparisons I tend to make. I have made them since I was a child. I suppose it came naturally growing up as a twin. It is my nature to compare what I have to what someone else gets. This can be hardest sometimes when Joe goes out of town with another wife, depending on where I happen to be emotionally and spiritually.   It’s much easier when I am stable in who I am, really, deep down. When I am not, negative thoughts of whether it is ‘fair’ (ha!). or whether or not I really deserve to go tend to creep in.  I put a negative meaning on what it says about who I am, usually in a self loathing way.

Sometimes I have been caught up into the comparison of things that don’t really matter, I have just let them get in the way. Before I got hit with post-partum, I was in a period of my life that I felt I could handle anything!  I had such stability and love in my relationship with Joe and with each of my sister-wives that I rarely questioned their motives, and whether or not they were looking out more for themselves or ‘the whole unit.’   If a trip was planned, even if it was last minute and someone else was going, I didn’t question or worry that I wouldn’t be getting my turn, whenever it worked out, etc.

But when post-partum struck, that all changed.  I didn’t trust anyone, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, no one understood me, no one really cared.  I started keeping mental notes of who got what trip and how many dates each wife had.  It was awful!  I didn’t feel like that was who I was, but I couldn’t get off my pity pot!  After a whole lot of anger and emotional pain,  and unfortunately, a whole a lot of damage to my relationships, I was able to get the help I needed.  Most of that help came from being willing to look at myself.  Slowly my perspective began to shift.  With a new perspective I felt even more well-rounded, like my eyes had been open to more of the beauty than I had seen before. Val and Alina or even Joe had not changed, just my filter of how I was viewing them had changed.

Sometimes, bad memories come back and try to get me down, but I remember how awful it was and remind myself I have a choice, and I never want to go back to that way of being. I find it funny when people accuse of us of not truly being happy.  I choose where I am and in that choice I have been rewarded with a richness of love and relationships that far surpass, I would guess, the relationships of my accusers. My feelings come and go and are not the measure of reality in my relationships. However, the love and commitment we all share has never wavered.

It is only when I find who I am as a person, my own worth not tied to Joe’s outward affection, or some meaning of a trip that I am actually able to deal with such comparisons. When I am in that place I actually enjoy the positives of him leaving.  It can be a good time to focus on connecting to my sister-wife or having girl time with other friends, or any number of activities.  I can still do that when Joe is home, it’s just my way of making lemonade out of lemons.  It’s sort of a perspective or context thing.

A few months ago, Joe and Val went out of town on a business/pleasure trip.  Although I missed them, and the kids they took with them, I am doing great!  I am enjoying my time and getting some things done that really were piling up on me, and Alina and I have really spent a lot of time together, working and playing, going out to dinner, shopping, crafting, going to a baby shower, and getting things done for our up coming family vacation!  I really enjoy the bond we share and the opportunity to stay up late making goodies, listening to music and enjoying our kids.  All together, we make a great team!

Last Friday we attended one of the last concerts that my son Caleb will be doing. His music is available at HERE for any of you who wish to listen or support him. Since he will be leaving soon for and LDS Church mission to Taiwan I will not get to hear him so it makes it all the more special.

The photographer is Justin Hackworth who is amazing. He took some of the pictures we have posted here to share in the flavor of the event. The concert was held on top of the parking garage in downtown Provo with the beautiful mountains in the background which made for an incredible setting.

It was one of the magical moments that I just got to soak up and enjoy as a parent. I am so proud of him not only for the music but for the human being he is. Thanks goes to C. Jane Kendrick, Justin Hackworth and the city of Provo for putting on such an event an sharing the moment with us. Justin does the pictures for her blog and we would love to have his talents adorn our blog more often.

I know a lot of people have a tough time grasping this concept, but in reality our motives for what we do have little to do with money. We wrote the book to get our story out. We do the hundreds of interviews not because we like being public, but because we feel it is an important responsibility.

We have cut back on both our interviews, and our blog and to you, our loyal followers and supporters we apologize. We have been touched by the love and support we have received and have felt the difference our efforts have made and it is those results that fuel us forward. There are those who wish to keep us silent and they shall not prevail.

You will see more TV series, and more polygamous people being more public this we are sure of. Some good examples, some bad most likely. In the end, we hope people see us as people. That we are no better, and no worse as a class of people as anyone else.

The question we get the most is will we do another TV show?  When we negotiated to do our special with TLC one of the motives was to gauge the experience and see on our part if we were willing to go forward, and for them to see on their part if we were something they would find marketable. We certainly learned what we like and what we disliked about the process.

I think in the end TLC did not want another Sisterwives, they wanted something different than what we had or were willing to offer. With the success of such shows as Jersey Shore, and subsequent shows now such as Breaking Amish, we think the reality TV market will certainly seek out and flourish with such programing that frankly does not meet our values and standards.

We have no desire to do a show or any publicity for the sake of profit or publicity. However, we will continue to find venues, projects and ways that we feel can educate the public about not just plural families, but about how families everywhere can flourish. We are in the midst of exploring some possible projects now that could be exciting. In the meantime, we will continue to publish real, raw and quality content on this blog and hope you continue to read and follow.

We are far from perfect, and hope by exposing our tribulations and the triumphs we ultimately are able to have over them as a result of the togetherness of our family that we can move, touch and inspire others the way so many have been able to do for us.  The added burden of a blog, and media appearances often take a toll, however, we commit to continue to move forward.

Thank you for your readership, for those who follow us on Twitter, Facebook or the many ways that we feel the support and love of community, we appreciate you. There are many of you who have loyally and faithfully commented for so long that we feel like you are old friends.

Thank You!

Today I had a breakdown. I have been working out of town, getting a new project off the ground. I was in the middle of a stressful budget planning meeting when I got a call from Vicki.

“Our gas just got turned off!” she said.

“What do you mean it just got shut off?” I replied angrily. “I didn’t know that was overdue!”

“Neither did I!” she shot back, “I never received a notice in the mail.”

” We have no hot water for showers or dishes, no way to dry the laundry and we can’t use the stove. What should we do now?” she asked. “They won’t talk to me because my name isn’t on the account. They want you to call them.” she added.

“I’ll get back to you after my meeting.” I snapped.

Vicki takes on the huge task of making sure the family bills are paid on time. I lashed out and blamed her for not telling me sooner. I caught myself before I went too far, but I know I hurt her feelings and had to ask her forgiveness. All that was left to do was look in the mirror.

There are times when shouldering the responsibility of financially providing for this family feels effortless, like it is part of what I was meant to do. I gladly sacrifice my all for it. Then there are times like today, when I wonder how I am ever going to manage. Things have been very tight. Since I became self-employed and am now in the process of starting a new business, my wives and I have been carefully budgeting and shifting to make sure everything gets covered at the right time. It’s a balancing act. Any extra cash has been funneled into the new venture. On one hand I have had more time to spend with my family, more freedom to set my own hours and determine my own pay; on the other hand there has been a loss of financial security. I don’t have a set paycheck every two weeks.

My income arrives in batches. When I am between jobs, if a customer owes me and fails to pay or my expenses out pace my income, it is easy to get overwhelmed. I hate that my wives have to work at all.  Every time I see something not managed well in the home I blame it on my lack of ability to provide adequately.

I’ve noticed how when women socialize with one another they tend to ask about each other’s children or their emotional well-being. When my guy friends and I get together we ask each other about what we are doing for work or how the career is going. It seems a man’s identity, at least in my culture is tied up in his work. If you are not providing, you are not much of a man.

The family that depends on me.

I guess that is why I felt like such a failure today when I heard the gas payment was not made. Growing up there was a time when my family had a rough stretch financially. As a teenager our heat got turned off, as did our phone and a few other non-essentials that were sacrificed. I remember being humiliated to tell my friends why they couldn’t call me, and I judged my Dad for it. I vowed I would never be in that circumstance when I had a family.

So here I am in a financial crunch, with my gas turned off for the first time in my adult life. I wanted to be angry at someone and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to make it mean I have somehow failed. But in the end, all it means is that my gas got turned off today.

Tomorrow I will call the gas company and get it straightened out. After all the blaming and beating myself up, I am humbled. Today I learned there is no humility in humiliation. Sometimes the best laid plans just don’t work out. I know I have three amazing women who support me, and kids that love me no matter how much I make. They are my inspiration!   I have always said that failures are only mistakes we don’t learn by. Now it is time to truly apply that motto as I begin my new business.

Lately, the debate about gay marriage has led to many conversations about what makes a marriage and who can have one. It’s an interesting question for me because I’m married to three women. I’ve written a book about our family, and my wives have appeared on “Oprah.” We weren’t always this open; for years we lived in secrecy and shame – afraid that people would find out, afraid of losing jobs and friendships. But we grew tired of the silence, and it became our mission to help people understand our way of life. Recent stories have wondered if the acceptance of gay marriage could lead to a better understanding of polygamy. I don’t know the answer – but I certainly hope so.

Plural marriage, as we call it, has always been a part of my life. From an early age, I understood my family was part of a peculiar group trying to live according to old Mormon ways. Both my grandfathers went to prison for polygamy, and I grew up hearing stories of their sacrifice for the “Principle.” We lived in a middle-class area of Salt Lake City, where most of our neighbors were mainstream Mormons (the church banned polygamy more than 100 years ago), and church representatives would show up and try to convert my father. All he had to say was “polygamy,” and they were gone.

At the time, my dad only had one wife, but everyone knew we were different because we didn’t attend Sunday services at the local LDS Church. When I was 13, my dad took a second wife — and I really started to feel like an alien. Some neighbors refused to let their children come to our house or play with us. In time, we were no longer welcomed at church functions. I entered junior high scared that my friends would find out. I was always ready for a fight to protect myself from rude comments.

On the rare occasions someone saw my other mom, she was my “aunt.” I never invited friends over or talked about my family until I was sure I could trust them. I figured if I stayed cool enough and popular enough, I could keep the secret hidden. In high school, I was captain of the football team and wrestled on the varsity team. I still wasn’t sure I wanted a plural marriage, though. I wasn’t convinced it was right for me.

Farzana is a senior nurse, 36, attractive, self-possessed and articulate. “I have begun to consider polygamy,” she tells me at a matchmaking event in central London for divorced and widowed Muslims who are interested in marrying again. “When you think about love in an Islamic way, the co-wife idea makes sense.”

According to Mizan Raja, who set up the Islamic Circles community network and presides over the east London Muslim matrimonial scene, women are increasingly electing to become “co-wives” — in other words, to become a man’s second or third wife.

As I reported in the new Statesman, Raja gets between 5 and 10 requests every week from women who are “comfortable with the notion of a part-time man”.

For a a link to the article click here

1. Pray together always. A family that prays together stays together.
2. Share the scriptures or books on your values often.
3. Communicate with “I feel” rather than “You make me feel”
4. Plan regular date nights. (I am grateful for a built in baby sitter for mine)
5. Renew your vows daily by always stating what you are committed to in the relationship. (My favorite: “I will always love you!”)
6. Go to bed at the same time and never angry. When its my night with Joe I make sure we coordinate our time for bed together.
7. Praise your spouse(s) in front of other people. (Leave the negative for private discussion)
8. Buy each other gifts that are personal.
9. Get an away vacation together at least once a year.
10. Listen for your spouse and not just to them. (This means to seek first to understand and then to be understood by listening to the message behind the message.)
11. Have pictures of the two of you in your bedroom. Your bedroom should be about the two of you.
12. Exercise together. Your health is to be celebrated together.
13. Cook a meal unexpectedly for each other.
14. Eat regularly together. (With the cell phone off). We have breakfast and dinner each day together when we can.
15. Do chores for each other.
16. Make your spouses’ dreams your dreams and your dreams theirs.
17. Write frequent love notes.
18. Learn new things together on a regular basis. Marriage is about discovery of your self through someone else, which is the only true way we get access to ourselves.
19. Share a kiss every day. Make up for any days missed because of travel, etc.
20. Thank your spouse often, even for the trivial. Your thank you’s should be more plentiful than your requests.
21. Compliment your spouse frequently.
22. Post a Facebook message on the wall/or a public note on the fridge about your spouse.
23. Share the joys of your children together, or your vision of children you are to have.
24. Understand yours spouses’ parents and encourage them to find healing and completion, for often the source of blockage in the marriage has its roots there
25. Be 100% responsible for the relationship.
26. Plan your budget together. It’s not about the money it’s about the shared values.
27. Laugh together.
28. Be vulnerable.
29. Read relationship books together.
30. Look your best as often as you can.
For Women:
31. Make sex a priority.
32. Spend time apart occasionally.
33. Meet him at the door or as soon as he comes home.
34. Surprise each other, (men love spontaneity)
35. Text each other from across the room.
36. Set reminders in your phone to remember him throughout the week.
37. Call him and tell him how much you appreciate him.
38. Learn to enjoy something he loves (even if its sports).
39. Make his favorite dessert.
40. Make time for healthy female relationships that support your marriage.
For Men:
41. Come home early from work and surprise her.
42. Engage in a meaningful conversation about her feelings every day.
43. Make one day a month her total focus.
44. Avoid the words “you always” or “you never”.
45. Kiss every day.
46. Learn to cuddle and hold her without sex.
47. Forgive quickly.
48. Be honest.
49. Plan your budget together.
50. Tell her she’s pretty, especially when she’s not feeling it.

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/legalizing-polygamy/516c1e0ffe34442d750007