Disgustingly dirty sink

We are always on the lookout for tips on cleaning or a better product to get the job done right. Over the years one product we have used and loved is a cleanser called Bar Keeper’s Friend. What we’ve found is that it truly is your BFF when it comes to scouring. As far as I’m concerned you can dump all those other cleansers down the drain: Bon-Ami, Comet, Ajax etc. My experience with them is that they work to a degree but they never quite get all the stains out for a bright shiny clean.

Bar Keepers Friend works well on a variety of surfaces and materials from sinks to tubs- from porcelain to stainless steel, and on almost any counter-top surface. It removes stains and hard water spots. It does require a little bit of elbow grease and a scouring pad such as Scotch-Brite but the results are well worth the effort.

As an experiment I let our kitchen sinks, which are made of fire-glazed clay, get ridiculously dirty, and I mean gross! After cleaning with my BFF it’s as good as new.

Check out this photo of the cleaned sink.

Aaahhh! Clean sink

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Anyway, after she went on the potty a few times, all the kids were working with her too, but each time if she wasn’t reminded she would ‘go’ in her undies, and then afterwards say “Mom, I pee” or worse, “Mom, I poo.”  I went back to the book, reviewed, started over again each new day.  After a whole week it was getting worse.  I pushed too hard, maybe? Try another approach. We got the potty that sings and the doll that pees, lots of treats and everything.  I continued telling her how big she was because she goes on the potty,  and that diapers are for babies, etc.  A few minutes later I would ask her, “Are you going to pee in the potty?”  She would just state matter-of-factly, “No”.  I would say “Are you going to pee in your pants”  (in a negative, un-approving way) and she would state matter-of-factly, “Yes.”

That was pretty much it.  I knew she’d won.  Oh, I still kept trying for a few days but the last straw was when we were standing right next to the potty discussing how big she was for going on the potty, she wet her pants and just stared at it with no emotion, no regret.  On went the diaper. You were right, Mom, ok?

We will give it a few months and see if she starts getting interested.  Lots of people tell me she will let me know when she is ready.  I’m sure they are right, too.

When it comes to relationships I have a different perspective than everyone else in my life, because unlike them, I have been in one before, and a very bad one at that. I speak somewhat of it in our book, but I choose not to dwell on it except for the lessons it taught me in preparing for this marriage. One of those lessons is to be grateful for what I do have. Joe is certainly not perfect. He can be proud, stubborn, and quick tempered for example, but I find him so amazing compared to what I had that those things seem minimal.

I appreciate the way he is always so complimentary. He is quick to build me up and makes me feel special and like I am hugely important to him, something I never had in my other relationship. When we have our quarrels, or disagreements, and when I find myself unhappy I think of the 10 years of hard marriage I went through and focus on my why.

It seems when it comes to marriage and divorce, in an age when instant gratification trumps endurance, it is important we know why we are in our relationships. In divorce there are both the hard and soft reasons for divorce. Hard reasons include, abuse, adultery and addiction.  Even though some of the hard reasons are acceptable reasons for leaving some people work through those and are better people for it.

The soft reasons are often simply because people are not happy, or not in love any more. It reminds me of a self-improvement class once where the teacher said, “If you take nothing else from this class, take home this one message “screw happy!”  The point of living isn’t to be in a perpetual state of fairy-tale-ecstasy; it’s to find the meaning of life, the meaning of your life. And the point of marriage, I think, is to create meaning, with every happy AND sad memory, every hardship overcome, every kind act, every moment of acceptance, every triumph, every child, grandchild, pet, friend you accumulate together. The point of staying married until you die is to have a witness to your whole life, to the meaning you built. In the end you can look at your spouse [sisterwife] and say, “Somebody knew me- and I knew them.”

This isn’t to suggest you need to marry to have this kind of intimacy, but if you do marry and stay alive in that marriage, you will get that reward. The fact is that life has no meaning but the meaning we put in it. It is our choice. Things happen, we then get to choose the meaning we put on it and how we respond. This IS the meaning of life.

So the next time you see me cringe when someone is justifying my plural relationship because “I’m happy,” you will know why. If there is one thing I could tell anyone about relationships it is “Screw happy!”

In the end, I expect that very few people could begin to imagine, let alone understand the depth, width, breadth, scope, weight and heights of my relationship(s). I however, understand that it is largely the effect of our constant need and desire and drive to go deeper, get closer, be intimate, be true, and then bring it out in us the way we feel fully expressed. And of course, the rest is grace. I needed Joe, Vicki and Alina long before I ever knew it. And now I’m blessed to have them and all that our lives encompass. How wonderful it is to be a part of it all, from the silliest little things that are so pleasing and satisfying, to the most trying moments that challenge me to my core.

I have taken to enlisting some of the kids for help.  Maybe she cans sense any feelings I might have of wanting to control her. It’s worth a shot.  I normally don’t stress about this stuff but I have felt like I am so tied down with trying to read her face and body language for any signs of needing to go, but with no clues. I would consider just going back to diapers and trying again in a couple of months but the book says NEVER do that. So I am resolved to power through it.

Well, back to the…wait!  What?  Oh my goodness gracious!  She just out of the blue went and sat on the potty and went all by herself, with no fanfare or anything!  I hope this  is how it will be going from now on.  I’ll keep you posted.

I spend about half the day in the kitchen and when I have the right ingredients and some good music, I just create!  I usually have a recipe but almost always deviate from it a little or a lot, usually, but not always, with good results.  At least it’s never disastrous and always gets eaten!

Since I have a twin sister, who also lives in the same house, and it just wouldn’t do to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice on the same cake, I make her a cake, too.    Heck, I’m in the kitchen anyway.  This year I made for her a vanilla butter cake with berry cream cheese filling, whipped cream icing and adorned with fresh strawberries.  I made for myself a bittersweet chocolate bundt cake with white chocolate ganoche icing topped with toasted coconut.  While I was at work in the kitchen, greasing the bundt pan, in walked Boston–”Mom, do you know you are making a butt cake?” I guess I could see that. But in the end, they both tasted great!  The kids’ favorite was definitely the strawberry cake.

If I have time I will make the kids a specialty cake for their birthday too, especially if I think they will appreciate it. After all, that’s part of the reason I  do it, too!

Caleb Darger and His Mother On Graduation

When I started having children it was a very deliberate process. We entered into this marriage to have children and we did not delay. We spent our years courting planning on our family, taking parenting classes, reading books and teaching our younger brothers and sisters to gain valuable insight into the family we wanted to establish. Early on I wanted to teach my children to be independent, and to make choices for themselves. I had no idea how hard that would be.

I was full of hope and promise as any young father is. I was still in school at the University of Utah when my first two boys came. Like so often has happened in my family things came in batches. I quickly had to grow as a Dad and with my older boys I made plenty of mistakes that I now avoid with my children. For example, I was quick tempered, and strong willed. I got caught up in the trap I see a lot of parents make these days, the idea that my kids were a reflection of me.

I found that with two boys from different mothers there were common traits that couldn’t help but be from me. If there was something about myself I did not like and it manifested itself in my boys I was quick to want get it out of them. Other times I unwittingly turned my boys into competing with each other for my approval, and many other errors as a parent. If there is one truism in parenting, it is tough and they don’t give you a manual!

But in those mistakes, in those trials as a parent I really emotionally bonded with my older boys. I learned with them, I cried with them and I was their idol, and they were my pride and joy. When they got to the teenage years we certainly had our rough times though.  As I have learned is now common with teenage boys, they pulled away, turned to their friends for acceptance, and challenged us in our values.  I found myself hurt, confused and often times unable to reach out to them.

My older boys found it easy to blame polygamy for anything and everything bad in their life. If they did not fit in, did not get a cell phone, or a myriad of comparisons that came up with their friends, the one common theme to them was our polygamous family. Like me, my boys were strong minded and hated to be told what to do, and I learned that my guiding principle of my faith, what we call “free agency” had to be not only understood, but practiced if I was to get anywhere with them.

I feel like it is our job to raise our children to be on their own and make choices for themselves. At 14 we encourage our children to get a job, and we begin to charge them “rent”. We credit them for school. This does many things.  It teaches them that they are responsible for their choices and that there is an accountability to the family.  Also it tells them that we value education; so long as they are in school, including college, their rent is minimal.

We also have them pay their own insurance and car, phones, and anything above and beyond what we budget for their school clothes, i.e. top brand names. My younger teenagers now accept it and though at times they complain they know it is the way it is. But the older boys had a tough time, again wanting to blame it on polygamy. They now look back and appreciate the lessons learned from it.

By the time they are 18 we expect them to be on their own. I now have 5 moved out and over 18 with the sixth ready to leave in a few weeks.  And it is they that often cause me the most worry and grief. It turns out we are in a new stage of our life: kids leaving the “nest.”

As our children leave and make their choices, it is still tough to let go, especially when you see the consequences. Our daughter, Laura who is married has talked about having the baby in Mexico where her husband is from. We were concerned about the lack of medical facilities there, and I very much wanted her to choose differently. It was hard from even wanting to hint to them my preference, which I felt important to do. I figure if they want advice they will ask, and I find that is the only time they really listen anyway.

Recently my son, Caleb was babptised into the LDS, or Mormon Church. We showed up with all the parents, most of the older children, and I think quite suprprised the bishop, who remarked on the size of the multitude there to witness the event. He asked us to get up and state our relationship to Caleb and why everyone was there. All three of his mom’s, got up and proudly proclaimed that they were his mother and were there to support him in his choice.

Needless to say there were a lot of shocked faces. I wondered how many of those church goers would have come to a Fundamentalist baptism if one of their children were in similar circumstances? My feelings were very torn that day. I was proud of him. Caleb is an immensely talented musician, scholar and a good person. He had expressed to me that he felt the Church gave him the structure and helped him in his relationship to God. I could not feel bad about that aspect.

However, as the time came during the baptism for what we call the “confirmation” where they asked all the “worthy members of the Priesthood” to lay their hands upon his head, I realized at that moment I was both literally and figuratively outside of that circle. Though the priesthood is one of the most important aspects of my life, and while I can recognize their priesthood, they do not recognize mine.

It saddened my heart to think one of the most sacred and important parts of my lives was not fully connected with my son. Such is the consequence of choice. I was both happy for him and sad for me. Choice by its nature means our children will not choose right all the time, or certainly will not choose what I think is right. Yet I believe that is God’s plan as well. None of us do choose the way we should all the time. That is the reason for His grace.

For me, I have tried harder to reach out to my son and connect to him on the many things that we do agree on. He is really so much like me in so many ways, and in many ways so much better of a person than I am. Ultimately I find in my letting go of my expectations of my kids I have grown as a father and as  a person. They continue to grow me and expand me as a person. I find the more I think I know the more I find I don’t know. That in itself sums up parenting to me.

Love to hear from all of you parents out there who have gone through the empty nest, or are dealing with teenagers.

I’ve been reading the many comments (both kind and truthful) posted regarding my little pity party. Boy, do I feel sheepish. I so appreciate all the love and support  that everyone has poured out upon me and I do see the error in my thinking. I  have so very much to be grateful for every day that I live and breathe.  For the very fact that I live and breathe. Please, everyone, consider me humbled and contrite.

I will say though, that I felt better just gettting my feelings out. I often turn to writing when it comes to processing my feelings. I highly recommend it. In my previous marriage, there were so many situations that I would try to make sense of. I would turn to my trusty notebook, pen in hand and write it all out. The good, the bad and the ugly. It was so helpful when I didn’t feel I had anyone else to talk to. For any of you reading this that have not read our book I will tell a little about that situation.

A stack of my old used notebooks

I was living in a place that I call “the middle of everywhere”. It was two hours to the nearest town in any given direction, most of the travel being on a dirt road. We had limited phone service and no internet. I was in a plural marriage that was going downhill fast. We weren’t being provided for physically or emotionally and I didn’t know what I could do to “fix” it. I was barely coping.  My sisters and I would write letters back and forth which was really nice but I didn’t always know what to do when I needed a listening ear. My sister Bonnie suggested that I write my feelings down when I was feeling emotional and powerless.

It turned out to be such helpful advice. I started writing and that notebook became like a friend to me. It just listened and never judged. It helped me sort through my feelings. It somehow validated me. I know it sounds silly to even speak about a notebook this way. Nowadays I rarely have a need to put things down on paper that way. But, obviously I traded the notebook for the laptop and used this website as my sounding board to get my feelings out.

So, again, I thank you for listening (reading), for helping me sort through my feelings. As I said, it’s very humbling-which is exactly what I needed!

“Lucky I’m still sane after all I’ve been through,
I can’t complain but sometimes I still do
Life’s been good to me so far”

I feel like I can totally relate. It is a discouraging time for me. I’m just having one of those days.

I’m feeling sorry for myself for being the one who got cancer and the ways it has changed my life. Instead of feeling grateful that I am alive I’m feeling angry that I have to be reliant on a pill every day for the rest of my life. Frustrated that I don’t have the metabolism that I used to have and will never have it again. Bemoaning the fact that despite working out and mostly healthy eating I am gaining weight. My body is forever changed and there is nothing I can do about it.

With the change of seasons, instead of being excited for warmer weather, I got an accute case of hay fever.  So what do I do? Head straight to the drug store for relief. I’ve tried several medications hoping to find one that would take away my symptoms. They are hit and miss so I was none too happy with any of them and to make matters worse I got slammed with some severe “side effects”. Which, I learned,  was partially due to my body’s lack of a Thyroid. It’s so miserably unfair!

In trying to sort through all this negativity, I started looking for someone or something to blame. I decided to blame myself. Who better to put this on? I mean…if only I would have gotten that lump checked out sooner, or eaten only ‘fresh, raw and organic’ foods, or steared clear of x-ray machines for my entire life (if only I could have known they could potentially harm me) or maybe I had some negative thoughts and feelings that I had buried alive which were the cause of bodily harm. Who even knows? The list could go on and on.

I know it’s wrong but part of me just wants to wallow in it. Have my own little pity party.  Unfortunately, since I am in a marriage with three other people it doesn’t always work that way. The things I say and do, and sometimes even what I feel, often affects them in negative ways. I am in a negative spiral. The other day when we were all working out together, I felt so slow and sluggish that I just wanted to cry mid-workout. I expressed some of what I was feeling to Vicki , Alina and Joe. I know they were all trying to be understanding and were as supportive as they could possibly be. After exercising, we usually rest a bit, clean up our weights etc. and then mosey back in to the house. Instead I ran from the gym and into my bedroom, my sanctuary, and cried it out until there were no more tears (or so I thought).

Joe sought me out and tried his best to comfort me. I’m trying to see another perspective but at the moment well…”I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do!”

Am I alone in this? Sometimes it feels that way.

Valerie, Alina, Joe and Vicki`

“Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His!”
Malachi 2:15

Sexual intimacy is a way to express our love for one another in the bonds of marriage. For us it is a sacred act. It is akin to what we in our faith call Sacrament, or for others communion in that it is both a symbol of something important and yet in a way it is the thing that is bigger than the symbol, where the symbolism is almost the thing itself.

Sex should be a fulfilling part of a relationship and should strengthen the bonds. When all is happy and strong between a couple it tends to be in the background, important but not what defines the relationship. When the relationship is struggling sexual intimacy then becomes magnified as part of the problem. If you are unable to express yourself sexually there is usually a problem elsewhere in the marriage.

As a man in a plural relationship I have learned not to focus on the sexual acts in marriage but on the emotional intimacy of each of my relationships. In this way the pressure to “perform” is minimized and each relationship is respected. When sexual desire wanes in one of my relationships it always relates to other problems that have developed in the relationship. It is on me to be honest about what those are.

The best way, is to realize that it is a symptom of other feelings that are hidden and to ask myself what those feelings are. “I don’t know” is an excuse, and something I have learned not to accept as an answer. For if I search deep enough without blaming my partner(s) I am able to find out what is lacking. Perhaps there is unresolved hurt, or mistrust that has developed and I then work to define those feelings and talk through them with my partner.

To be completely bare emotionally with one another is to reveal the true self, it is symbolic of perfect trust, perfect unity, commitment, respect and acceptance, and to be naked in body without being naked in heart is dishonest, disrespectful and disingenuous to yourself and your partner. It can be a process of discovery to get completely naked in heart. No matter how well we know each other, I discover more about myself and each of my relationships through the process of maturing.

It takes being vulnerable enough to share our feelings gently, without criticism or judgment and to communicate our needs sexually. Sharing our feelings with each other is never a one time event. It is a continual process of unraveling the mystery of the individual. Sometimes that individual is you!

Marriage is living with glory to God and to the institution that is a celebration of co-creation. It is living with an embodied revelation, it is living with a mystery that for me is a woman, a creature of God that is flesh and blood, that can be touched and held, explored and questioned and loved, but whose vast depth and soul ultimately proves to be a mystery. Love when given unconditionally begets love, and the spring that is eternal from God finds new forms to manifest itself when you realize that sex, love and marriage are about the journey and not the destination.

We had a great Easter Weekend. Like all the holidays we make them about family. In our tradition Easter is important, for we very much celebrate the resurrection of Christ. This weekend was especially important as April 6th is a sacred day to us, as it is the day the Church was established, and when we understand the actual time of both the birth of Christ and His death and resurrection. Our kids were off school for Spring Break Thursday and Friday so Joe spent some time taking some of them on errands with him and taking them out. For the boys they played and went on a hike. We took Friday and had some sacred time together as adults.

The real treat has been having Laura here. She came up a few weeks ago and leaves today. In the short time she has been here it seems like her belly has grown considerably and we were all missing her. Amanda also drove up from St. George to spend the weekend, and Joseph came around with his new girlfriend Whitney, and Caleb made it up from Provo. The only one that did not make it was Sam who is in Nevada working. It was nice for all of us to be together again.

On Saturday we took the kids to a family Easter Egg hunt at Alina’s sister’s home. There the little girls and Boston had fun, while the older boys stayed home and worked around the yard with Joe.

We then spent the night coloring eggs, a family tradition that even the older kids still enjoy doing. Joe even got into the act this year and showed them the old tie dye trick he did as a kid. He wraps the eggs with a small cloth or ripped sheet, twists the end with plastic and then uses eye droppers to put color on the cloth which gives is a tie dye appearance.

This year we boiled 11 dozen eggs for Easter.

On Sunday after our Sunday service, we hid the baskets and let the kids find them, and then have a big brunch, where we invite friends and family over. We had over 60 people this year. We have everyone bring plastic eggs with goodies in them for the little ones. We then have a large hunt and Joe breaks it down by age group, youngest of course going first.