Is there a head wife?
There is not a head wife in our family. There’s no ‘Boss Lady’ here! Each wife has unique strengths she brings to the family. Before Big Love we had actually never heard the term in our culture. In some families the “first” wife wields influence as the senior in a family, but she is never referred to as the “head wife.”
Who is the first wife? How did you come to be a family?
Ours is a very intriguing story, even in our culture. We don’t have a first wife. Alina and Vicki were married at the same time, Valerie joined the family ten years later. Each of them have an unique love story which is chronicled in Love Times Three. We write the story from all four voices, each telling our perspective of the making of our family.
Would you consider adding a fourth wife to the family?
Joe always jokes that we are not ready to write the sequel-Love Times Four. But seriously, we are all open to the possibility of another wife. It is, after all, a deep part of our faith. It is not just Joe’s choice. We would all have to come together and agree whether it was the best decision for the family.
How do you divide up chores/responsibilities between adults around the home?
Love Times Three, Chapter 10, page 229: “Vicki, Val, and I share other duties, such as cooking for the family. Each mom is in charge of meals two days a week; on Sunday, we each take a meal. We divide up the rest of the home labor, with each of us taking responsibility for certain tasks. Vicki handles the mail and bills . Val keeps us supplied in homemade bread. I do the weekly grocery shopping.” It takes a lot of coordination and communication. Contrary to what many people think we get jealous about, it is this coordination and sharing that is often the most difficult.
Why not multiple husbands?
Our faith is about polygyny, one man married to multiple women as in biblical times, rather than polyandry, one woman with multiple husbands. According to the Ethnographic Atlas Codebook, of 1,231 societies noted, 186 were monogamous. There were 453 that had occasional polygyny, 588 had more frequent polygyny, and only 4 had polyandry. Polygyny is probably most common because it best fits our biological make up.
The practice of polygyny, even within those cultures where it is accepted, is actually rare in most cases. This is the same in our culture. While we would allow for any family to structure their family as they see best, we feel our structure works best for us in the tradition of our faith.
How are major decisions made in the family?
For small issues we all have the ability to use our brains and make decisions. When it comes to big decisions that affect everyone, like where to go on family vacations or remodeling the house, we all discuss it and come to an agreement before moving forward. Some other major decisions would be in parenting and teen issues. We have had disagreements at times and truly make an effort to understand and respect each person’s position.
Do you think/hope your children will choose to adopt this lifestyle?
It would be unrealistic to expect that all of our children will live plural marriage. In our families not all our siblings chose to live this lifestyle, though many have that faith. We love and accept them either way.
We hope that IF they choose it, they will find the same fulfillment and love that we have found in living plural marriage and that the choice will be available to them without fear of prosecution.
LAURA (daughter) : “I’ve embraced my fundamentalist faith. Some of my other siblings don’t share the same belief in it. People often ask me whether I expect to live plural marriage. I can’t answer that question. I’m still changing and developing.” Love Times Three, Chapter 11, page 248
Do you consider yourselves to be of the Mormon faith?
We are Independent Fundamentalist Mormons, and by that we consider ourselves Mormon in doctrine and in faith, plural marriage is an essential tenet of our faith. However, we are not part of the mainstream Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which banned polygamy over 100 years ago.
How does it affect the children now that the family has become so public?
The children have had their share of worries about how this would affect their social life, especially the teenagers. They each come to a level of comfort with their family being “different” at their own pace. It has helped our children be more compassionate and empathetic towards others. The response at school and in their social groups has been mixed for them-some positive, some negative. A pleasant result of us articulating our cause so publicly is that our children, for the most part, have understood our reasons for speaking out and have been supportive.
Is the relationship between the husband and each wife unique?
Well, to quote from Joe’s chapter in Love Times Three: ”[Vicki] is adventurous and athletic, likes creative dates, and needs plenty of quality one-on-one time with me.” “[Alina] enjoys trying new restaurants, attending cultural events, and spending the day being pampered at a spa.” ”Val wants affirmation of my love through physical touch-holding hands, hugs, and kisses.” Chapter 8, pages 190 & 191. We are all individuals, and while we remain in one family, it is those unique qualities in each of us that give us our collective strength.
How do you support such a large family?
We work. We work hard. Sometimes it seems like we never really stop working, but it is a labor of love and something we value. Joe and two of the wives also work outside of the home. We try to be frugal and not wasteful. When we shop, we buy in bulk and hunt for bargains. We recycle many goods right inside our own home. We raise chickens, partly for the eggs, but also their feed is from the scraps left behind by the kids at the dinner table. You could almost think of it like three families combining resources. We take the responsibility of raising our children seriously, and it is against our ethics to rely on anyone else to shoulder that responsibility.
Why do you have so many children?
We value family, and children are a big part of that. We were all raised in big families so it is very natural to us. It is also part of our faith, something we articulate more in Love Times Three. In short we are married for the purpose of creating a family, in our theology families are eternal.
Do you remember all your children’s names/birthdates?
We really do get asked if we can remember all of our kids’ names. Is that a rhetorical question? As for birthdates, I think Joe is the only one that remembers ALL of their birthdates-month, date and year, and he has never forgotten an anniversary! The rest of us know some of all of them.
How do you take care of the emotional needs of so many children?
Our children are our life, it is important for us to know them as individuals. They have always had at least one adult at home to raise them, and they have four loving parents to attend to their emotional needs.
We talk to each of them to set goals and see what interests them as individuals. When a problem arises with one we all get together to come up with a solution. The individual is respected and revered as that is the strength of our collective family.
Do you ever get jealous?
We get asked this question probably more than any other. And the answer is a resounding YES! We are human. How we deal with it is what makes the difference for us. First, we all entered this marriage knowing that Joe had a relationship with more than one person. We also get a lot of fulfillment out of the relationships we have formed with one another as sister-wives. In the beginning of our marriage, it took a lot of work and adjusting. We had to learn to trust one another.
Communication is also very important. In order for it to really work we each have to want for each other what we want for ourselves. We strive to put the whole relationship before each individual relationship. Over the years jealousy has become easier to deal with but sometimes that old feeling still creeps in. Overcoming our selfish and jealous natures is part of our faith and the more we have been able to do this, the more our love has grown as a family.
In applying the ideals of our faith in Plural Marriage, we have become more secure in who we are and the love we each have. Since it is a very frequently asked question, Love Times Three is FULL of our stories and experiences detailing how we have dealt with it over the years. We highly recommend reading it!
Is polygamy illegal?
It is currently a felony in the State of Utah and many other states simply because we “purport” to be married. This could mean five years of prison. If we were to just live together, Joe call us his mistresses or girlfriends, there would be no criminal classification. We feel that it is this felonious classification that has given explicit license for prejudice, discrimination and hate targeted against our family, and many like ours. This law has pushed many families into the shadow of fear where others are able to capitalize and take advantage of these fears resulting in unhealthy consequences.
Why did you write Love Times Three?
That question has several answers. The simple answer is this: It was the right thing to do. This is the first-ever memoir written by a family living happily in this lifestyle. We are one of many polygamous families. By sharing our story, we hope to educate and inform about the many myths and stereotypes that exist concerning polygamy. Our desire, as consenting adults, is to live our faith free of persecution and without the threat of prosecution.
Isn’t polygamy patriarchal and oppressive to women?
With three women in the home, we don’t see how Joe can oppress us any more than if there was only one of us. Our family is patriarchal but it is important that we explain what it means for us. We go into depth on this subject because the patriarchal concept is often used as the basis of an argument that polygamy is oppressive to women. We read in 1st Corinthians, “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” From our perspective, Paul is acknowledging an inherent equality in the sexes, but we don’t view this equality as “sameness.” It means that there is equal value, while acknowledging that man and woman have different job descriptions.
As plural wives we do not need to be like a man, nor do we need to feel like he is “our man” any more than we are “his women.” We do not need to fill the role of a man, or split it 50-50. The matriarchal role is prized and valued in our family and faith. In fact, we believe that wanting to be men when we are women acknowledges that there is something inherently broken in being female.
We applaud the advances of women in society, as historically we have been unable to vote, regarded as property yet unable to own property, or given away in marriage as a business exchange. The feminist movement to redefine the role of a women from such historical connotations is certainly understandable. However, in the name of feminism the traditional role of a woman continues to be devalued and often goes too far. It denies an integral part of our faith as well as the laws of natural science: that male and female are made for each other, that God values both men and women, and that our goals as a family are unattainable without both sexes. For us, the family and the ideals for which we strive are always greater than self. It is in this unity that the sum is greater than the parts.
We encourage our daughters to plan their mothering years towards the highest achievements for themselves and their families, but never to sacrifice the care of the child to any other social goal; and to regard their husband and father as a man striving to support them in fulfilling womanhood as a wife and mother.
As our pattern, we adhere to the traditional Christian teaching from the Apostle Paul from Ephesians, Chapter 5, Verses 21 – 33: “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church… Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;…Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Joe considers the example that Christ set as both head and master, but also a humble shepherd and servant to His flock, to be the pattern he should follow, as the head of his own family.
In Mormon scripture, from Doctrine and Covenants, Section 121 we are taught the pattern for family government. It is these ideals that lay the foundation on how we live our lives and bring greater capacity to love: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood only by persuasion, by long suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—”
Many have used scriptures as an excuse to strip women of their rights, or subjugate women as their property. We don’t recognize any structure or definition that treats women as inferior. Abuse is unacceptable in any relationship, and wherever abuses exist we condemn such.
Families formed by principles such as gentleness and meekness we call patriarchal families; therefore, patriarchal living is simply a family—living in love, service, and order.
At the head of the family a man has the responsibility to live in such a way that he can be trusted and inspired. In that role, he is called to serve. In many instances, this requires personal sacrifice. As women we are our husbands’ councilors, his advisory and are influencers of the future, for we are the treasured mothers of our children. The more women that are in that role the more influence they wield. Plural Marriage, or polygamy therefore, is not inherently abusive, and patriarchal living is living in such a way that respects women and their roles as co-creators of a family.
Please keep up the good work. I think its a great time in our lives for what you all are doing in sharing your lives with us. I have a lot of respect for Joe and the rest of the family. Separate note I respect Anne Wilde too. Let us watch change slowly come with the help of you people. I hope some day on the other side I will meet you all. Jim…
If you would not mind could you please provide a link to my petition to help decriminalize polygamy.Not asking for papers just stop loving couples from being jailed.Thanks for your time.
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/pro-polygamy.html
I do not believe in polygamy, but after reading your story I must say that I do respect your choice. I think it is a shame that a marriage that does not cause any harm to anyone and that creates a healthy family would be considered illegal. Who are we to judge?
Isnt it funny that this argument, almost word for word, has been used in defence of gay marriage and adoption and yet Im sure the Dargers don’t believe that that is “right”. They ask for privacy and respect for their expression of love and way of life but I wonder how they feel about the LGBT community asking the same thing?
What does it matter what people ‘feel’ as long as people understand that their personal feelings should not impinge on another persons right to live a full and happy life?
With so many people using Polygamy (as well as incest and the like) as a part of some sort of slippery slope argument it doesn’t help anyone to link the issues, all the Polygamists are asking for now is just to have Polygamy decriminalised. No consenting adult should have to live under that threat.
Well put Natja! Charlotte, we don’t have to agree with others to accept them in who they are. The only time our disagreement should infringe upon another is when their actions harm others whom are innocent.
Very well said Joe! Just because I am different from other groups, does not mean I need to be for or against them.
I just watched the Dr. Phil show and want to thank you for allowing me an insight into your life. I live in Indiana and am not aware of any plural family’s in my area but I am sure there is. I thank you for being open and honest. In today’s world I do not know why people have to be so judgmental. Unfortunately when there is an extremist with any group everyone associated in that group gets “tagged” with the same derogatory remarks. For me your child being called a “plig” is no different than calling any other child a derogatory comment based on their faith, ethnic background or disability, no matter which way you view it, it’s wrong. I am not Mormon, I was born and raised in Catholicism but am no longer a practicing member. Just recently I have noticed more commercials on TV and billboards in my town that promotes the Mormon faith and for me it is no different than promoting any other faith, what it comes down to is when people take it to the extreme and cross boundaries and by their personal actions hurt people and then use the cop-out of their faith as the reason why they committed those actions is what causes problems for others. I applaud you for standing up for your beliefs and that is what this country was founded on, freedom of religion and freedom of speech for all, not for what the masses feel is right and justified. If people don’t believe in your lifestyle that is their choice but they don’t have a right to imprison you for that belief unless it causes harm to others. From what I watched in the videos, all of your children seem happy and healthy and appear to love each other and what a great concept to have so many siblings to be able to rely on when they need help. It looks like you are instilling great work ethics in your children as well as ways to cope with multiple situations that other children are not exposed too. Above all else you have allowed your children to make choices for themselves and whether or not they want to live in the same lifestyle when they get older. I commend the four of you for your parenting, beliefs, compassions and strength in just wanting to live and be left alone to practice your faith. I hope this comes true for you and your family; I hope that nothing happens by you coming out publicly, you have helped me gain a little more knowledge and compassion for people that I have never been exposed to in my life.
Chris,
Thank you for your kind words, may your own children and a generation ahead of us be inspired by such tolerance and acceptance of the faith of others.
Joe
I just finished reading your book and wanting to thank you for opening up about your lifestyle. It really educated me and helped me understand a person’s desire to choose polygamy. It was interesting to me how similar your family is to my own- I am LDS and grew up with 5 siblings and I have a large extended family. I wouldn’t choose polygamy or even a large family for myself, however, I believe in the freedom to choose your own lifestyle. Congratulations on such a wonderful book, I have been telling people about it. I got my copy from the Salt Lake County library system- I was 45th in line to get a copy so you’re getting a lot of people reading your book!
I am another person of little or no religion who has read your book with utter delight. Hoping you folks realize how special you all are and the wonderful contribution you add to all society by “coming out” in this book. I’m sure there are many families with plural wives that have been waiting to hear something about *them*- you give the whole community something to think about and offer an excellent family model to inspire others….
Well done with your first literary effort and may there be “Love Times Four” eventually!
I’m wondering if you could address polygamy in comparison with gay marriage? Should gay marriage be legalized if polygamy ever is?
Kelly,
There are certianly a lot of paralells, and we have consistently said, that we want to treat our neighbors like we want to be treated. Because of that I would not ever want to prescribe for someone whom they can love or not love so long as they are not harming anyone. However, unlike the Gay Marriage debate we are not asking for legal recongition, only that we are not criminilized for our relationship much like interracial marriage was unti the recent past. My husband Joe articulates this in the blog: http://lovetimesthree.com/canadian-supreme-court-case-on-polygamy-to-be-decided-wednesday-november-23/. Hopefully that answers your inquiry.
Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. – Kelly
Hello Dargers! I have yet to read your book (I am trying to get my hands on it) but from watching interviews and reading your website, I’ve come to understand Mormon polygamy a lot better. You have a wonderful family and you’re breaking down stereotypes of your lifestyle. Keep up the awesome work!
Having grown up LDS with polygamous ancestors I don’t understand why people give your family grief. As long as only consenting adults are involved in the relationship I have no qualms. That is the only time I have any interest in interfering- when children are pressed into polygamous relationships. I’m glad to see from the information you provide that is not part of your relationships. Given a willingness to marry twin sisters on Joe’s part I do wonder how the family dynamics will sort out with whom the children are allowed to marry. What restrictions do you put there to prevent the potential birth defects?
Brian,
Thank you for your understanding. We do not agree with children pressed into any relationship. I have a tough enough times with my 20 year old children making relationship decisions. Marrying twin sisters doesn’t really affect who the children are allowed to marry. The children of Valerie and Vicki will never be marrying anyone genetically close to each other, so I don’t understand what restrictions that are additionally on them that are not on Alina’s children? We certainly are adamantly against any incest. Historically polygamy has often involved marrying sisters, though not more than a few from one family, case in point being Rachel and Leah.
Joe
Hi,
I just read your facinating book and I applaud you for your courage to share with others. I hope that only good comes of it for you. The marriage(s) you chose makes sense to me, it always has….. I live in Northern Ontario, Canada and would feel so right in your type of relationship, even though there would be some struggles. I am a sole wife and would love to have the opportunity for some sister wives. There are no such relationships around us, nor have I heard of any ever up here. I don’t know if I could be the “first”. It may be too difficult, even for the children, IF the opportunity of meeting an other like-minded female should come along and my husband agreed. Keep up God’s good work!
I am needing guidance from someone or persons living in a plural marriage, as I am going through a difficult situation that is particular to the lifestyle. Do you know of any resources or people (if none of the adults in your family are willing or want to) that are open to counseling online?
Erica,
It is always difficult to find professionals that are not only open about plural marriage but who also have experience with it. We have resources more available in Utah but nothing online that we are aware of. We certainly are not qualified to provide counseling professionally, or able to deal with the many individual requests and can only hope by sharing our experiences we can help. We are sorry you are suffering, when a plural relationship goes awry the consequences are often even more tragic than in a monogamous one.
I would like to say a BIG thank you to each of you for writing this book. I have enjoyed seeing your family so much. I am not a Mormon and had no idea of your beliefs. I am so happy to know you are such a loving family and are teaching your children to be such responsible citizens. I am from Australia and can only hope that the laws in USA change to allow you the freedom to live your lives the way you choose. It is obvious from your book that you are not harming anyone and that you are nurturing your little ones. The world would be a better place if there were more responsible, caring parents like you. My best wishes are sent from the other side of the world to each and every one of your family.
In reguards to jealousy, we (myself and my two others) work very hard at compersion, which is the opposite of jealousy. For example, while our relationship is based on mutual love and respect for one another, society, family, and some religions have ingrained the opposite feeling as the only response possible to a relationship such as ours. The truth however is that we can find joy and satifaction ourselves, when our other is being fulfilled wither emotionally, spritually, or phyically.
Three simple question for you Joe.
What does Vicky represent for you in your life?
What does Valerie represent for you in your life?
What does Alina represent for you in your life?
I know those are hard questions to answer but i just can’t picture what I would answer to such questions if I was in your place.
Amicably – David
David,
Joe is out of town but the best way to answer your question is to refer you to the post, “A Valentine’s Tribute To My Wives”. I agree with you though he has a hard job.
you are very very sick, this is the most disgusting thing ive ever seen prison is the best place for all of you!
Well Doctor Skinter I wouldn’t advise you to try polygamy then. I think for anyone claiming to be a doctor it is sick to think you graduated college without learning to punctuate and spell correctly. I applaud the courage of the Dargers. They are not forcing their lifestyle on anyone.
hopefully you can give me a technique to do this act of love and satisfy my 2nd wife.
i am somali civil engineering student who live in mogadisho, who gives you double thank to your goood decisions to be goood husband and wives…
as a muslim man ….i can understand what you are doing ,more than any one else.
the one who knows something about christian religion and also islamic religion can understand this.
i am worrying about the society which sees illegal such this good things …and allows guy marriages!!!!
goood luck all of you……
Hi Joe
well done you are fulfilling the promise of Almighty and i want to share with you what the Holy Bible says about polygamy and what the Holy Quran says as well :
Definition of Polygamy
Polygamy means a system of marriage whereby one person has more than one
spouse. Polygamy can be of two types. One is polygyny where a man marries
more than one woman, and the other is polyandry, where a woman marries
more than one man. In Islam, limited polygyny is permitted; whereas polyandry
is completely prohibited.
A brief look at polygamy in the Old Testament
In Exodus 21:10, a man can marry an infinite amount of women without any limits to how many he can marry.
In 2 Samuel 5:13; 1 Chronicles 3:1-9, 14:3, King David had six wives and numerous concubines.
In 1 Kings 11:3, King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines.
In 2 Chronicles 11:21, King Solomon’s son Rehoboam had 18 wives and 60 concubines.
In Deuteronomy 21:15 “If a man has two wives, and he loves one but not the other, and both bear him sons….”
Question:
Why is a man al lowed to have more than one wi fe in Islam? i .e. why is
polygamy allowed in Islam?
The Qur’an is the only religious scripture in the world that says,
“marry only one”.
The Qur’an is the only religious book, on the face of this earth, that contains the
phrase ‘marry only one’. There is no other religious book that instructs men to
have only one wife. In none of the other religious scriptures, whether it be the
Vedas, the Ramayan, the Mahabharat, the Geeta, the Talmud or the Bible does
one find a restriction on the number of wives. According to these scriptures one
can marry as many as one wishes. It was only later, that the Hindu priests and
the Christian Church restricted the number of wives to one.
Many Hindu religious personalities, according to their scriptures, had multiple
wives. King Dashrat, the father of Rama, had more than one wife. Krishna had
several wives.
In earlier times, Christian men were permitted as many wives as they wished,
since the Bible puts no restriction on the number of wives. It was only a few
centuries ago that the Church restricted the number of wives to one.
Polygyny is permitted in Judaism. According to Talmudic law, Abraham had
three wives, and Solomon had hundreds of wives. The practice of polygyny
continued till Rabbi Gershom ben Yehudah (960 C.E to 1030 C.E) issued an
edict against it. The Jewish Sephardic communities living in Muslim countries
continued the practice till as late as 1950, until an Act of the Chief Rabbinate of
Israel extended the ban on marrying more than one wife
Let us now analyse why Islam allows a man to have more than one wife.
Qur’an permits limited polygyny
As I mentioned earlier, Qur’an is the only religious book on the face of the earth
that says ‘marry only one’. The context of this phrase is the following verse from
Surah Nisa of the Glorious Qur’an:
“Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that
ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.”
[Al-Qur’an 4:3]
Before the Qur’an was revealed, there was no upper limit for polygyny and
many men had scores of wives, some even hundreds. Islam put an upper limit
of four wives. Islam gives a man permission to marry two, three or four women,
only on the condition that he deals justly with them.
In the same chapter i.e. Surah Nisa verse 129 says:
“Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women….”
[Al-Qur’an 4:129]
Therefore polygyny is not a rule but an exception. Many people are under the
misconception that it is compulsory for a Muslim man to have more than one wife.
Broadly, Islam has five categories of Do’s and Don’ts:
(i) ‘Fard’ i.e. compulsory or obligatory
(ii) ‘Mustahab’ i.e. recommended or encouraged
(iii) ‘Mubah’ i.e. permissible or allowed
(iv) ‘Makruh’ i.e. not recommended or discouraged
(v) ‘Haraam’ i.e. prohibited or forbidden
Polygyny falls in the middle category of things that are permissible. It cannot be
said that a Muslim who has two, three or four wives is a better Muslim as
compared to a Muslim who has only one wife.
thanks for the post on excerpts from the bible. Was very interesting information. People who read the bible need to be more aware of the true words spoken in the great book and understand that your lifestyle and marriages are how things are meant to be. It is a shame that this country feels they have the right to tell people how many husbands or wives they may have at a time. Where is our true rights to freedom. God Bless you and your family.
what children go with which mom biologically?
Val has Sam, Amanda, Grayson, Louis, Madison, Kyley, Kadence, Angelina, Krista.
Vick has Caleb, Jed, Liesl, Logan, Tavish, Sabrina, Boston, Victoria,
Alina has Joseph, Laura, Shad, Ashton, Kyra, Allie, Vanessa.
If I can make one suggestion for the site, especially in the comments threads, delete the hateful speech of commenters. I can see the appeal of allowing dissenting opinion on the site but there are plenty of other websites out there where people can express their hate and intolerance. I think Devin Faraci at BAD said it best on his rules forum:
1) This is our house. We like having you over here, but it’s still our house, and we’re going to have our own rules. If you don’t like them, you don’t need to be in our house.
3) You don’t have to agree with us. I don’t expect you to, and I like when you disagree with me. But you’re going to have to disagree in a basically respectful way. That means attacking the OPINION, not the person giving the opinion… if you attack the personal qualities of the other writers, you’re toast right away.
Just my suggestion.
Just came across the site recently and have enjoyed browsing the different articles all of you have posted. You are all very lucky and very blessed.
Haven’t read the book yet, but just curious about general home layout; how close does each mother keep their youngest children to their own room at nights, does this mean 3 different nurseries, kitchenette’s, changing areas, laundry rooms? etc..
Does each mother have their own ‘area’ in the home?
Great questions. If we had our choice we would have a laundry room in each Mother’s room
. But no, we have two laundry rooms, one upstairs and one downstairs, and it is constantly going. We have one main kitchen we all share, and one playroom/nursery. Each mother keeps her younger children in with her until they are old enough to move into the other children’s rooms. Those children are placed in rooms by gender, age and compatibility, and not by birth mother. Their room is their area. I used to have a library and office. As our family grew I had to give that up, and my office is a a very small room in the house.
My husband often comments that he has no room! With 2 wives and 8 children thus far I keep telling him it’s not going to change. I wanted to know something though; how do you keep everything organized? I know from having the 8 we have clothes (hand-me downs are the hardest) get mixed up and it’s tough to remember who’s is what… Any ideas?
Great question, we will make it the subject of a blog, honestly I am not sure that we do, but we will share some of what does work.
My parents have four married daughters. Even the thought of sleeping with one of my sisters husbands disgusts me. Your lifestyle is sick. No wonder polygamy is illegal. Furthermore…all of you are engaging in illegal activity.
You are teaching your children to break the law ….bad parenting
Obviously you have no real insight to living the principles. I was always told if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. I believe that Heavenly Father is very sad with your post, but know he still loves you.
How is you feeling sick relevant. I hate olives. They make me feel like I’m going to puke. That doesn’t mean they should be illegal…
Awesome.
I have no doubt that polygamy is emotionally draining and rather melancholy. I wake up everyday knowing that my husband thinks I am the most important, kindest and loveliest woman in the world and that knowledge makes me happier than anything else I have. We always prioritise each other and he is always in my corner. I feel sad for anyone who does not live the amazing love story that I do. However, lots of people make bizarre choices (either through a lack of clarity of vision or a self denying ordnance) and we allow them the freedom to do them. I knew a girl growing up whose mother kept a gimp in the bathroom (yes, really); no one could describe that as normal t was perfectly legal, despite the little girl. Polygamy is obviously a peculiar life choice but that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. Obviously abuse should be punished but, on the facts that we have been given, none is present in this situation.
I understand the argument that polygamy is inherently abusive; it obviously increases the husband’s position and power and enables him to lord it over his wives. However, many situation present this risk (e.g. where one party to a marriage is willing to stay at any cost and the other abuses that desperation and does not behave with respect)/ where two people live together outside wedlock and one hold all the financial chips) and we allow people to make the cost/ benefit analysis for themselves.
The Dargers, as far as an observer can see, seem to be living a very difficult doctrine in the best way possible. Everything they say suggests that they have emotional intelligence and a strong sense of duty. Joe understands that he has a lot of responsibility and knows that it should not be exercised in pursuit of his own gratification. From what I have seen, I believe that Joe is trying his best to make his wives happy and that Vicki, Val and Alina are all trying to be happy, in the knowledge that their husband is doing what he can.
I do not believe that polygamy is the best route to happiness but nor do I think that, for example, nuns or celibate priests, are happy. However, like the Dargers, they have a calling to make sacrifices in the name of religion. I think they are wrong but I see no reason why it should be illegal for them to do so.
Like I said before: I don’t like olives but I don’t want other people to be preventing from eating them.
Thank you for your frank and honest explaination of your choice of lifestyle. While it may not be the choice of the majority why shouldn’t it be acceptable for those who so choose it. As stated in other comments, the Old Testmant states that most of the Prophets had more than one wife. For Jews, Christians and Muslims who recognise and respect these Prophets how can we condem those who follow their teachings / practices.
I do feel that it is totally unfair for it to be a crime if a man chooses to have more than one wife. After all, lets be honest, many many maried men all over the world have short or long term extra marital relationships. Although societies usually disapprove, the men are not threatened with prison, even if these relationships are discovered and continue. Why should a man who is willing to be honest with and responsible for more than one woman be made to feel a criminal? He is supporting his wives and the children. How many men have illegitimate children from affairs and don’t support the mother or child in any way? Can you honestly say, deep down, that this is preferable to polygamy?
USA Imigration forms contain a question on polygamy. Which if you answer ‘Yes’ means that you will be denied entry to USA. However, a President of USA, whilst President, was caught having an affair. Was his presence in the USA questioned? If he had to fill out the immigration form obviously he wouldn’t have admitted to his affair, but does that mean he is better than a man who admits to supporting more than one wife? The question on the immigration form doesn’t even qualify the situation in anyway, the person applying for immigration may not intend to bring more than one wife to USA but it doesn’t matter, by having more than one wife he is still automatically rejected. Of course, usually you would expect the man to want all his wives with him but there are cases around the world where men, for various reasons, have wives who live in seperate countries. This is their choice. We don’t all live the same life /lifestyle. However, should this prevent him from immigrating to the USA?
Anyway, as I’ve stated I respect those of you who wish to live this way and thank you for showing that it can be a happy and enjoyable lifestyle. Best wishes.
you got a point
I haven’t read the book yet, but I listened to the BBC interview. As I was listening I kept asking myself how can they afford it? Where we live it takes three moderate incomes just to support a family of four (and we live a very modest, frugal lifestyle). Does the book go into the details of the family budget? Food, clothing, health insurance, housing, water, power, transportation, college savings, retirement savings…I just can’t see it. If the book covers that aspect I will very much look forward to reading it.
One of the most common stereotypes we face is that we are on welfare or abuse the system, and so we spend a fair amount of time talking in our book about how we provide and finance what we do. We have three family businesses and work hard as a parental unit in providing for our family. It is a full time job and a major commitment for sure, but is not as difficult as many perceive. However, I could not do it based upon an hourly wage. We have also written some blogs, see Vicki’s on “re-purposing” .
I have a question regarding your faith and folks who have large families within it who do collect welfare and handouts.
If a man has married the apporpriate number of wives to enter into the highest level of Heaven but he does not provide for his family and he depends upon handouts does he indeed enter the highest level anyway? Is there a judgment for the man as to his leadership and such?
I have wondered what 1 Timothy 5:8 meant in the afterlife not only to a man with one wife but to a man with many wives.
Thanks!
The Dr. Phil Show was just broadcasted here in The Netherlands (Europe) and i just wanne say, though your lifestyle is not mine, i think that the love and respect you have for each other and your kids, is more important then what people might think.
Hope that after the show you find more people to feel that way.
Richard,
Thank you for reaching out all the way from the nether regions
The sharing in our love has already impacted the word in ways I never conceived, and getting people like yourself sharing that message is always appreciated.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your family life. It has really given me something to think about in being naked emotionally as well as how to see to the relationship in all its uniqueness. I must say it seems you are blessed with three very special women in your life and it must be truly rare to meet anyone like that. I can see how much potential there is in such a family structure and it’s kind of amazing and a glimpse into what it might be like to have mature people around you. I wish society could learn from your guys and stop spending so much time judging each other; instead learning to accept and listen to others seeking others good. Its funny how any man could condemn your life style when its a secret fantasy of most men to have more than one partner, but then their views are completely selfish. Perhaps its the same immature attitude tainted with jealousy that drives hatred. I think this society have an impossibly long way to go to be mature and is in fact headed in the opposite direction. I hope the best for your family!
hi family darger, meanwhile I would like to make you the compliments for l harmony and the complicity that c is among you members of the family, and also l love naturally I share your religion and your way of living. Am I Italian and I would like to approach me to the religion fundamentalist of gesù cristo and of the saints of the last days, do you know me to say if in Italy or in Europa your religion exists? if it doesn’t exist that I can do? do you have of the suggestions or of the indications to give me? for instance on as to contact you that belong to this religion, or where are, in what city! WITH RESPECT IT IS RESPECT ROCKY.
Rocky,
Thank you for your compliments. If you are interested in our religion I hope it is not because of polygamy, as that would be the wrong reason to want to learn more. My recommendation is to find the Church of Latter-Day Saints of Jesus Christ which will have a branch in Italy. You can also get online and express interest and they will send missionaries. They will not however advocate polygamy or teach it. However, that is the best place to start with a foundation of our religion. Thank you for your respect,
Alina.
Alina excuses for my language English, I don’t speak English, use a translator. I am interested to your religion in the totality and therefore also the polygamy, doesn’t hide that has been the polygamy to do me curious, as all I believe. would you write me some sites official internet on your church or on those people who are of your religion? this way beginning to inform me and to understand. Would I like to ask you a question that surely you/they will have made you 1000 times, as your religion is set towards the betrayal of her husband or his wives? THANK YOU FOR HAVING ANSWERED ME, WITH AFFECTION ROCKY
naturally I report me to your church fundamentalist and not that that you/he/she is detached and you/he/she has abolished the polygamy
I watched your family story on 20/20. I do not live the same lifestyle as you but think it is wonderful. Your family is beautiful and I could totally feel the love amongst your children. I feel horrible that you all fear your husband being arrested and I do hope and pray for your safety. I find it amazing how close minded people can be and I can just tell you that I would have welcomed you in our home if we were neighbors and my children would be playing with yours. You seem like wonderful people and I hope people can open their eyes and understand that we may be different in the way we live but we are all the same in our hearts and how we can love.Bless you all and stay strong.
I am accord with you lisa
I just purchased two of your books (by accident!) and I can’t wait to get them! I am so grateful that your family has decided to become more public. I saw your family’s story on a WE show “The Secret Lives Of Women” years ago and have been fascinated every since! I support fully your attempts at changing the public’s perception about polygamy and I will be anxiously awaiting the book’s arrival (both of them!). As a non-Mormon and someone who was raised in a “traditional” Protestant family, I can say without reservation that I think you have a beautiful family and you are doing a fantastic job of representing yourselves and you faith. I am thrilled that I got the opportunity to share my appreciation with you and that I am able to support your efforts by buying your book. Take care Dargers! :O)
Thanks Lindsey, hopefully some day we can sign them both for you! We forgot about the WE show, it’s hard to believe we have been doing things that long. Thank you for sharing and may blessing be found your way!
I’m also not a supporter of plural marriage. I think that most people could not do this. However, after watching “Sister Wives”, I’m sort of hooked on that show. I find that there are elements of their family that are so very normal, that it’s hard to not like them. In the interview clips I’ve seen of your family, I feel the same way about yours. Your kids seem like decent, respectable kids. I can say that as someone who doesn’t care for the Duggar Family (different family, different show) because they seem to have a different agenda for having a truck load of kids. In any event, I enjoyed the interviews & what you have all written. Do you think you would ever consider a TV show (kind of like Sister Wives)?
Hi, thank you for such an informative website, and allowing people like myself a window into your life so your choices are better understood. I think it is very brave, and I wish you all the best (even though your choices are different than mine).
I can see the many benefits of plural marriage, especially when it comes to family supporting each other and sharing the responsibility of child-rearing, but I do have one question:
Have you ever thought of what would happen to your family dynamic if Joe were to pass away? Would the sister wives stay together as a family? And would there be a possibility for them to ever remarry? – would that mean they form new, potentially individual families, or would they only consider remarriage if it meant they could stay together?
Thank you, Kate
Kate,
It would be ideal if we as sisterwives, and our children could always stay together. However, finding a man that would be equal to the task is another story. If you’ve read our book you know that when I married Joe, I already had five children in tow. I think it was pretty amazing that he was willing and able to take on all that responsibility.
One thing I can count on is that our being so intricately connected to one another (wives, as well as children) would ensure that we would always stay close.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANKYOU, Earlier this year i saw you on the Doctor Phill show, i am not sure when you went on as i am in Australia and i know we dont get the latest shows, but i was definately interested enough to know more and bought the book. having just finished it i just wanted to say thankyou, because all i have ever heard about poligamy was the negatives about the man just getting very young wives and the sexual abuse with the children. Again i guess the minority making it bad for the majority. so i really applaud you and wish you well. i understand why you do what you do and its great that you have opened your lives so others may learn and repect your lives and the choices you have made.
Barb,
You are welcome x3! We are glad it impacted you so and hope you can spread the message down under.
I just wanted to clarify that Mormons do not practice polygamy.
I am not a Mormon of any stripe, but I was raised in the Mormon Corridor and have a real (nerdy) interest in Mormon Studies type stuff. Thus, my completely off-topic question (that I hope I am asking in the right place!):
I would be interested to know what your family’s position is on other aspects of 19th-century Mormon doctrine that has either been ignored or downplayed by the 20th- and 21st- century mainstream LDS. In particular, I am interested in the Adam-God Doctrine, Heavenly Mother, and the Law of Consecration. Thank you for indulging this super geeky question!
P.S. For what it is worth, I think it is a little said (and boring) that the only doctrinal points that fundamentalist Mormons are ever really asked about is polygamy, the exclusion of blacks from the priesthood, and blood atonement. 19th-century Mormon doctrine had SO much interesting stuff in it, and yet, the focus is always on the super scandalous parts.
Katie,
Of course as Fundamentalist Mormons, or Orthodox as we like to call ourselves, we subscribe to the tenants of our faith as Joseph Smith revealed them. We don’t really get into doctrine questions so much only because items of doctrine really become deeply personal and are best shared with persons of like faith, such as temple ordinances, garments, etc. Also, items of deep doctrine, like the nature of God, the pre-existence, etc, can be highly speculative as well. Perhaps, that is what Christ meant by Matthew 7:6; but yes we do understand the Adam-God doctrine, the concept of a Heavenly Mother, and have practiced the law of consecration to the ability we are able. We feel that there is much more rich history and truth to be discovered and that for too long Mormons have been either ignorant to, or defensive of.
Thank you for your reply Valerie,
I had not had a chance to read your book yet, although I have ordered it and can not wait to read it. I am so glad to hear that you have such strong family ties, and whatever happens you will always stay close as a family. I do not share your same ideals in marriage, but I do feel there is not oly one right way to have a strong, healthy family. I respect your values and wish nothing but the best for you and your family in all your endeavours. Thank you once again for taking the time to reply to my question.
This quote does not quite express what I feel, but it comes close, and I think it is something we can all learn from:
“I do not agree with what you say, but I defend to the death your right to say it” – Voltaire
Take care and God bless.
Thank you for sharing your life story with us. Thank you for the reminder that love is expressed in many different ways, not just the ways society tells us it ‘should’ be.
I’m not Morman. I am just a person who believes the more love is shared the bigger it grows. I believe a person, any person regardless of their sex, is never ‘owned’ by someone. Love doesn’t mean ‘ownership’, unfortunately it has been my experience that conventional marriage is far too often about expressing ‘ownership’ and ensuring you’re receiving love. more than it is about trust, giving of yourself and letting love grow.
Your posts allow me a small window to view your life through and to feel a whisper of the love that seems to overflow from your home and your hearts. Thank you.
As a woman who lives another kind of Poly lifestyle (I have 2 husbands, one legal and the other bound by less legal but more binding ideals) I appreciate your open honesty. My choice is not so much religion based as it is my own faith in how God made me and my Loves. We feel we were brought together to move through this life together.
I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and wish you well on your journey
~ Rebecca
Rebecca,
Thank you for sharing. Your is a rare situation and we wish you much love.
I know many polygamous families, some overt..and some not so overt. I admire what you guys are doing and yes, I do believe it should be legalized for consenting adults. I was never a fan of the Warren Jeffs types of this world and the shame they bring upon polygamy.
I’m a former LDS member and have married a very nice Irish (both sides) and redheaded Catholic woman who oddly enough is comfortable being around polygamous families [she didn't have a choice
].
Hope to run into you guys someday!
Thanks Mike, definitely say hi if you do, your open mindedness is appreciated.
I do not believe the same way as you do, however, after reading some of your blog, I do have a deeper understanding of your choices. Thank you for your insight into this matter and your intelligent, well spoken description of your faith. I wish you the best in your pursuits and pray God blesses you and your family.
Your the man, keep it up.
I quite enjoy reading your blog. I think it is important for people to understand your way of life. I do not understand why plural marriage is illegal, as long as the people involved are there of their own free will and of legal age I do not see what the problem is. Hopefully with your book, blog and shows such as sister wives people can gain an understanding and see that plural marriage is not necessarily bad.
Just because there may be a few rotten apples in a tree doesnt mean they are all bad
First of all you guys are amazing. I grew up in a Christian home where plural marriage is looked down on, however I feel that I have been drawn to the idea of plural marriage the more I see it demonstrated in a positive light. I see how you all love each other and how family oriented you are to your family is intoxicating and so refreshing now days. Thank you for sharing your lives with the world.
i have watched sister wives from the beginning and have always liked how “normal” they seem and how normal their kids kids upbringing is….i watched their newest episode last night and seen your family dynamics! i was very impressed at how organized your family operates! the browns have “too many chiefs and not enough indians” in the words of my grandmother….lol (to clarify i love the brown family dynamics as well just very impressed with yours as well)……i have always loved how Kody’s 4 wives are strong women with opinions and different personalities—not the meek women one would think would come with plural marriage….your 3 wives seem to be strong, personable women as well that all bring different strengths to the family…..your children all appear well rounded, respectful and loving children….that is a huge accomplishment! i hope your family will consider doing a reality show…..i know i would watch it!!
After watching your family on vacation with the Brown family from Sister Wives, I could see the love and devotion they have for each other just from the looks they gave each other. It is refreshing seeing a family with such love for one another after so many years. I hope we all can learn to love one another and be kind to each other, regardless who we love or how we choose to live.
The Book of Mormon says:
“Behold, David and aSolomon truly had many bwives and concubines, which thing was cabominable before me, saith the Lord.” -Jacob 2:24
How do you reconcile this verse of scripture to your faith?
It doesn’t mention anyone else having many wifes and concubines, just David and Solomon. Maybe the abomination was the sheer number. Maybe G-d was concerned that too many wives and concubines would result in wives and kids being neglected. Maybe G-d preferred that there just be a few wives and concubines so David or Solomon wouldn’t be spread too thin.
PS: Learn to proof-read
(haha, cabominable snowman)
The reconciliation can be found in Doctrine and Covenants 132 verses 38-39 found here:
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng#
38 David also received many wives and concubines, and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me.
39 David’s wives and concubines were given unto him of me, by the hand of Nathan, my servant, and others of the prophets who had the keys of this power; and in none of these things did he sin against me save in the case of Uriah and his wife; and, therefore he hath fallen from his exaltation, and received his portion; and he shall not inherit them out of the world, for I gave them unto another, saith the Lord.
First of all, I don’t believe that any type of mormon can is a Christian because mormons follow Joseph Smith (a man born in sin and committed many sins) instead of following Jesus Christ (a man born without sin and never sinned). Yes, they believe that Jesus existed but they always refer to ‘heavenly father’ – Jesus is part of the Trinity – God the Father, God the Son (Jesus, who was born to take our sins away so He became flesh and walked among us) and God the Holy Spirit. I’m not sure who they are referring to as ‘heavenly father’ but I’m guessing Joseph Smith, since that’s where their beliefs come from. He wrote the book of mormon – he was just a man, similar to Charles Manson, who led a cult and wrote a book and killed people and Jim Jones, who led a cult and wrote a book and killed people. Joseph Smith DID NOT come to bring us salvation. He couldn’t because he was just a human man! Yet, he is the person that the mormon religion is built around. The Old Testament of the Bible was BEFORE Jesus was born. People did things their own way, including men marrying multiple women and also having many concubines. According to the New Testament, AFTER Jesus was born to become the Savior of the lost world, God proclaimed marriage to be one man and one woman! Things changed after Jesus was born. God stated that a man could be a deacon in church if he was the husband of one wife (not multiple wives and not one wife at a time). God’s word is absolute. No matter how people try to justify what they’re doing to make it fit their own needs, only by following Jesus Christ’s example (he was never married) will we be doing God’s will in our life. Paul was told that he could marry so he wouldn’t burn with lust but it was better if he stayed single. We need to look at the New Testament of the Bible for how to conduct our lives. The Jewish religion doesn’t believe in the New Testament so they are still waiting for a savior, not to mention that they have some 150+ rules to follow (rules from the Old Testament – they call it the Torah – plus the added rules called the Mishnah). Every cult has it’s own set of rules instead of the rules that Jesus Christ has taught us through His actions and His words. I said all of that to say this: Polygymists have basically made their own religion, which is loosely based on the mormon religion, and are trying to justify having many wives. We all sin – for some it’s addiction, for some it’s the love of money or pride, even over eating is sin. We all sin because we were born in sin. Polygymy is also sin. The only way we can overcome sin is to ask Jesus to become our personal Savior, follow His example and pray, asking forgiveness. We will still sin because we’re human but because Jesus died on the cross for our sin, He made a way for us to get to Heaven. He is the lamb that was slain, He shed his blood! Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No man can come to the Father but through Him! Everyone will give an account of their life at the Great White Throne Judgement (read Revelations) so whatever we’ve done here on earth will be revealed, good or bad. These polygymous families can do whatever they want here on earth (just like anyone that chooses a lifestyle other than what Jesus has shown and told us). But God is the Judge! He will decide who will be in Heaven for eternity and who will not.
You got this from reading the Bible? Lest you forget, tis a book written by human men and women. You give them the benefit of the doubt, why not Joseph Smith?
I don’t agree with ur life style, but i find u more believable, u answer some questions had and i felt u were honest, i wish u peace and happiness and i will be watching ur 1hr show…
Do you find that a lot of men leave your faith because there is an imbalance of women and men? I have no issues at all with polygamy, I’ve just always wondered what happens when some men have 2 or 3 wives and there are others without partners.
I find it interesting that the comment that the ladies need to learn to overcome jealousy to become more like the savior. Wonder why it’s just the women who need to overcome jealousy because I’m certain men have the very same issues. How is bro danger overcoming his jealousy tendencies???
I know that polygamy was never the Lords standard thru out time but rather a rare occasional situation. I do in no way beleive it will be required for the celestial kingdom either. Again, it was only at certain times not for all times. It served a purpose for those times. Not the standard, the standard is one man and one woman. Even says so in the d&c.
Cheers.
Jealousy is by no means reserved for just women, but then no one wants to hear about my jealous tendencies
. We certainly respect your understanding and choice in the matter. Thank you for reading.
I am doing a report on dating in health class, and was wondering what some of your curfews, age limits, etc. are… and I think others are probably interested in that as well. Could you write about that sometime?
Something that has been on my mind for some time now is this:
In order to be called to be of plural marriage do you think God would call someone who is older and can no longer have children or if for some reason medically can not does that mean you can not be plural? I mean if it is all about the children does this leave another woman out that the calling is her not God?
I am really wanting to know if the only way to be called to a plural marriage is if you can have children here on earth? I have been unable also to find out if your doctrine is found in scripture of the Bible or only in the teachings of Joseph Smith, I mean I have read where Paul speaks of a man of one wife but I must admit I would like to know more scripture .
Renee there are many scriptures in the old testament. Moses practiced plural marriage and within the laws he gave were laws pertaining to men taking more than one wife. Especially if a man took a slave to be a wife or gave here to a son there were laws governing these behaviors. Jacob Abraham’s grandson, or the story in the book of Ester she was a concubine among many until elevated to be a wife. in the reading of the Old Testament you will find much plural marriage and God had no trouble with his servants living it when done respectfully and honorably.
Thank you Eugene for answering some of my question the other part I am wondering about is: like myself I had a hysterectomy when I was in my mid 20′s I can not have more children I have 2 grown boys and a daughter 27 who died a little over a year ago. I always wanted lots of children but I could not have them. I always took care of all my friends children and my nieces and nephews. BUT , if I felt the Lord calling me into a plural marriage would that just be mine own thoughts as it seems the reason for plural is the children and I should just let this go. Am I understanding this correctly . Thank you very much for your time in answering these things. Renee
The purpose of plural marriage is to raise children and a family. However a woman’s worth is not measured only by her ability to bear children. My own grandmother was barren. When her sister (also her sisterwife) died at a young age she helped raise the children that she already considered as her own too. She was my Grandmother.
There are a lot of books and information on Doctrine. This forum is not one were we share doctrine or preach. We don’t feel it is our calling or our purpose. Our faith is very personal and sacred to us. However our faith is rooted in both Mormon Doctrine and Bible teachings. We recently had a Pastor of a Christian Church read our book and touched by the message of love. He said while he did not agree doctrinally with us he could not find where the Bible condemns polygamy.
Vicki
I hope I did not offend you. I read your book and felt this wanting to understand more as I truly want to obey our Father in Heaven…
Just watched your first show on TLC. I’m blow away with your story and completely changed my opinion about polygamy. I have one wife, one kid but my family is a mess, compare to your big loves and big family, your family is 24×3 times better than mine.
Why real polygamy of such a good family as yours is illegal but gay marriage are becoming legalized???
why more than 50% of monogamy marriages are failure and it’s still the only acceptable choice?
I know such questions are hard to answer.
I would love to follow your story on facebook but I can’t find your fan page. Hope you’ll be on FB soon.
Joe, I was wondering what you do about celebrating anniversaries and birthdays with your wives? Obviously you have two women for one anniversary and two women for one birthday. I kinda feel bad that Vicki has to share both
I’m assuming you would want to celebrate each individually with each wife since you have a different relationship with each. How do you divide the time? And if it’s Vicki’s night but Alina’s birthday do you alter the rotation or do you stick to it to be fare? I hope I’m not being disrespectful with the last question, just curious, I’ve enjoyed learning about your family. Thanks for sharing!
Emmy,
Great questions. The anniversary was not too big of a deal for Vicki until Val came in and she lost her birthday too. That was a hard adjustment for her. It is insightful of you to think of it. Ultimately it is realizing the meaning we put on such dates really is not what matters. When your are spiritually connected to one another in love the particular day is not what makes the relationship, the meaning is in the connection that you have each and every day.
We do trade nights, not just for a birthday, but other events may make it so it is better to have a night on a particular scheduled event. In the end they all work out.
Perhaps you could celebrate Val’s Half Birthday, as we do for our daughter who was born very close to Christmas. My daughter has a June Half Birthday celebration.
We want to say hello,and god bless you all. Were a husband and wife happly married for 35 years now. We have been looking for a sister wife to join our family for most of our , marriage. We have joined several places where ladys, are looking for a family to join. But we haven’t found anyone that is truley serious. Do you know of any honest ladys that looking for a loving husband that’s married to a loving wife. I am so glad that god has sent you three wife. can you pray for us that god will send my husband a second wife to join our loving family. God bless the four of you and your children. Have a Merry Christmas. and a happy new years. From our family
hello, my wife and i are talking about a polygamy lifestyle we are really interested. her sister lives with us and she is very wonderful with our kids. her sister and i have developed a bond and it feels like we are married in a way, my wife feels she would be a good choice for a second wife. how do we go about approaching her with the idea?
Ok how did you find your sister wives? Me and my husband are trying to get into this kind of life. wehave talked alot about it and he wasnt sure how i would react when he asked me about getting involved intro sister wives and I told him to let me look into it. Yeah I have watched the show sister wives and i love the fact that there are several children I love a big family. How do we go about looking for a sister wife I am all for it and being involved but we only want sister wives he will be the only husband and we are looking for 3 other sister wives to be apart of our family. please can you help us on how we find sister wives. Thank you so much please contact me and let me know…
Heather,
If it is not part of your faith and you don’t have a spiritual calling or a higher power directing you we could not recommend it to you. We don’t ever want to trivialize the effort. You just don’t find a Sisterwife, she finds you. All I can say is make it a matter of prayer and if it is right it will open up. In the meantime put all you can into your marriage by living as if were living a plural life. Your communication, respect and trust for one another has to be unbreakable.
Do you all sleep in one bed or do you all have separate beds? If separated then who does up sleep with, does he have a schedule or is it just up to him? (I’m not meaning sexual)
I really have no idea how to begin writing this, as tons of of things come to my mind.
First, I will say that I am not of the same faith as you all. I am a Christian, nondenominational, and don’t think I could personally ever be in a plural marriage. It is hard enough to get to spend time with my husband as it is. I will say that the idea of having a live in “sister-wife” and built in best friend would be amazing though! With that said, at first after watching Sister Wives I was kind of disturbed. However, after watching a few episodes and seeing the family dynamic, I began to really admire and have the utmost respect for them and their life style. While I could never do it, I saw that their plural marriage and family is overflowing with love. Then, I saw interviews with your family and just recently watched an episode of My Three Wives and it blew me out of the water. While I have respect for the Brown family, I LOVE that your family is so much more open with you showing affection to each wife when the others are around (within reason of course). That was one of the little quirks I was not fond of about the Browns, and you seem to have found a way around it. While I am not of your faith, I cannot tell you how much love, adoration, and respect I have for you and your family. It is so easy to see that you have more love and commitment in your family than SO MANY families with monogamous marriages. I pray that society and the government will make it more possible, in acceptance and legality, for you to live without fear of judgement or persecution. My philosophy in life has always been that if you are hurting no one e,se you should be free to do what you want with your life and family. I wish others felt the same way! I so look forward to watching more of your show and seeing how your family dynamic works. Until then, you have my support, love, and prayers! Merry Christmas to your entire loving and beautiful family!
Kaylee,
Thank you. We had an amazing Christmas season. My the new year bring you blessings as that you have an abundance of love is apparent.
Thank you, Vicki. I am glad to hear that your family had a great Chirstmas!
Dargers,
I recently 2 1/2 months ago married into a polygamist family. There is our husband and 2 wives and 2 children. My husband and his first wife share a room with all of his belongings. He showers changes works does everything in there. Well it’s beginning to bother me some. If its my day or night and he needs to shower he goes in there and showers or changes clothes to get anything he goes in there. Do u have any ideas? How does that work in ur house?
What fundamentalist Group do you associate with I would assume from your comments about Jeff’s it is not the FLDS What I am interested in is finding a group that has the authority to seal. where I live it is predominantly FLDS and I just don’t see things there particular way.
I’m more-or-less a Utah mormon (born outside of the state, raised in the state) and like most members of the dominate Utah religion, I am descended from polygamists (I think the last ancestor to be raised in a polygamist household was my great-great-great grandmother). I am very thankful that the LDS church no longer pratices polygamy as I don’t not believe that I would have been able to live the principle like my ancestors did and I admire them for being able to live it and make it work (one of them had at least 7 wives).
As far as polygamists themselves are concerned, as long as they are not doing anything illegal (ripping off the welfare system or underage marriages), I feel that the gub-mint should leave them alone. I don’t feel that living in a polygamist marriage today is bigamy since I don’t see the difference between a man living with three women who consider themselves to be his wives and a man who has three mistresses. At least the man who has three wives takes care of his children. I commend you on being able to live a lifestyle that I don’t completely agree with, but one which I can understand.
P.S. You mentioned Big Love and I started watching Big Love mainly due to the fact that alot of the dialogue sounded like living in Utah (I work alot outside of the state). The episode arc where Bill is elected to the state senate got me thinking about what would I do if this situation happened in Utah. Would a man being a polygamist cause me to not vote for him eventhough I agree with his political positions? After thinking about it, I decided that as long as he wasnt’ breaking the law, I didn’t see why I should treat him any different. FWIW.
First of all, I’m not of your faith (I’m not even mormon) and don’t fully understand it, but If you are happy and it suits you, who am I to judge? And I think it’s really good that you are so open about it. Only when things like this are in secret, abuse of any kind has a possibility to grow. Therefore I fully support you.
I have one question regarding your faith and polygyny that doesn’t make any sense at all to me and maybe you can shed some light on it: Birth rates (unless tampered with) are usually about 50% girls and 50% boys, which can’t be so much different in your community. But if one man has several wives, there must be a lot of left over guys who don’t get any wife at all. What happens to those excess guys? Do they leave your church? Do they do it voluntarily? Or how is it decided who will marry several wives? If it is voluntarily then there must be about the same amount of girls leaving voluntarily and then the statistics are off again. How does it work?
Bottom line: Poloygamy is illegal and these people should be dealt with accordingly. The law is the law.
Yes, and the law needs to be changed. Men have been finding ways of having multiple women and not taking responsibility since the beginning of time, (including porn), leaving women and children broken and in poverty. It is biologically how God made men, and women (when it is done well) thrive and have more choices (including the cream of men)…and children enjoy a stability not found in increasingly broken, unhappy mono families. This man loves his three wives and all his children and IS taking responsibility. Are you just bitter that it isn’t a viable option for you? Yep, Joe has three hotties and they have given him permission to love all of them. Beautiful and honest, and no breaking of anyone. I do not practice polygamy. I am, however, LDS. If you are, as well, understand that LDS ancestors also broke the “law”. Your church founder broke the “law”. Polygamy was never legal…except under God’s laws. Do I want to practice it? No. I have a husband that’s pretty much nuts about me (23 years!) and I’m too selfish to share, plus I require too much spoiling.
But, no way I’m about to throw stones…and it blows my mind that LDS people are so often hypocritical. I wouldn’t be here without polygamy. Rock on Dargers!
I take back the not wanting to practice it. If I loved a woman with the purest of loves and felt God had asked me to bless her with the sweet love of my husband, who is gifted at loving and has incredible integrity, I would open my arms and our home to her. That has not happened. I am not looking for it to happen and neither is my husband. We love each other and it is enough. But if we felt that soft bidding call, I would call her my sister. And I think I would be good at loving her (because she would be lovely and kind and generous and funny and brilliant…and a great cook). But I’m not good at conserving and I’m spoiled by my husband’s attention and kindnesses. Having said that, there has always been love in our home for each child. Love is like that. Jealousy isn’t. A marriage truly under God’s eyes and not the world’s eyes, it seems, would be the same.
Karen,
That is beautifully put and amazing insight for you to possess. Thank you for sharing such loving sentiments.
Many things are against the law Rick. Things that hurt no one nor infringe upon their right(s) to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What are these people doing that denies you anything or harms you in anyway? Have they taken anything from you? Caused you pain or suffering? I don’t think so. They didn’t ask you to join them in their chosen lifestyle nor are they purporting any legislation be be enacted to force you to do so. All they are asking for is the freedom to practice their religious beliefs. A freedom that is guaranteed every citizen of the United States of America in the Constitution. And that as you aptly put it is “the bottom line”.
WOW!!! I just came upon these on youtube and I was blown away. Personally I am a very jealous person and I could never do this! So congratulations to all of you I really admire you!! I was wondering however and I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable but I have to ask! How do you have sex? Do you do it all together? Doesn’t it mess with your head? If one wife is better than the other? omg.. I just have so many questions!
when i first heard about your story i admit that i was wuite judgemental and full of confusing questions and thoughts however from watching and reading about it i really respect your family for being able to carry out your beleifs , sorry if this has already been covered but i was wandering: if it is illegal in most states then how did you go about a polygamous marriage?
This isn’t a question, just a comment. I just read your book and wanted to offer my support of the life you have all chosen. Our family is pretty traditional- we’ve been married (one guy, one girl) for 19 years and have three kids, all girls. I’m still a stay at home mom, my husband’s an aerospace engineer, and we honestly could look like a 1050′s household from the outside. However… we are oddly very liberal. We are Unitarian Universalists, which is a religion that believes (essentially) that we are all on our own spiritual path and that respecting and embracing many faiths is very important (no one true God, everyone has the right to their own beliefs). So it is only natural, in embracing and celebrating everyone and their beliefs, for me to see that you are all devoted to each other, take your vows to each other seriously, and live true to your faith. While our lifestyles may vary greatly (i actually sighed in bed last night reading about your laundry woes- and i think three teen/tween girls is bad haha), I can see that common goals of marriage and family and faith are all so similar. I truly hope there is more acceptance of polygamy and that you can live your lives happily and in peace. Just wanted to let you all know that there is a traditional, yet liberal (?? i know, we are bizarre lol) family that supports you in Lancaster, Pa.
Although I will never understand how you make it work, and although it will never be for me…I can honestly say I am glad you live life the way you want it and not by how society dictates it should. I’m happy that it is working great for you 3 and I wish you all the best with your family. You obviously have something special :3
Thank you Katie. We would not ever recommend it for everyone but we do feel we have something special. Much love to you.
I was given your book by some mutual friends, I finished reading last night. I was born a member of the LDS faith, and I have absolute conviction in the truthfulness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Having said that, reading your story affected me in ways that I did not expect. I thought that I would find the book interesting, but that I would generally feel indifferent toward your decisions. I did not grow up in Utah, and having many non-LDS friends as a youth (and making MANY poor choices along the way) has taught me the value of being non-judgemental. I never expected that I would feel inclined to judge your family for your decisions, that is not my nature. But what surprised me was that during the course of reading your story, all the way through the end, I never got the impression in my heart that how you are living is wrong. I admit that I expected to feel impressions of the (spiritual) wrongfulness of that lifestyle, at least by today’s Church standards, but it seemed to me that although I am certain that I follow the true Church, that your family is also striving to do what is right, just like any good family. I expected to feel “yeah, I get why they are doing this, but it’s obviously not inline with the Gospel”. What I did feel was “I actually do not feel that what they are doing is wrong. I don’t think we are wrong for not doing it, but I don’t sense that they are wrong FOR doing it, in the eyes of the Lord”. And this was a surprise to me, though some questions do remain. Furthermore, I have found myself angry that with all the social dysfunction that is rampant and often even encouraged in modern society, with no laws to impede clearly deviant and/or grossly selfish lifestyles, that there would be laws in effect that criminalize your family’s lifestyle. It’s madness! I am not a polygamist, I have no history of polygamy that I am aware of in my family, I am simply a second generation Mormon who has come to believe that your family is doing what is right for yourselves, and it’s ridiculous that there should even be the prospect of prosecution. I wish you the best.
Chris,
Our son recently joined the LDS Church and is about to serve a mission. We have a great love and respect for those faithful members of the LDS Church and certainly don’t feel like they are “wrong” either. Your message is touching to hear and to have you respond so honestly is appreciated. I can’t say that what I am doing is so right in God’s eyes but I do feel led by Him in the direction I have taken and continue to take with my family and in the end all any of us can do is be true to the dictates of our own conscience and refrain from infringement on the rights of others to do the same. May the Lord bless you in your faith and in your path.
Most of the history and theology justifying polygamy makes sense to me, but one thing I’ve never seen explained is what ideally becomes of the “leftover men” in a society where they’re expected to take more than one wife. While human instinct toward polygyny may occur naturally, the natural balance of our population is essentially 1:1.
I hope this question isn’t too faith-related, I was just wondering if your church explained how or why this is so.
Thank you for your question. I am not sure I can explain anything doctrinally to answer your question but experience has taught me that while we are born 1:1 sex ration there are far more woman that make it to marrying age than men, certainly far more women who are willing for the responsibility for family than there are man. I recently had a bishop in the LDS church tell me that his ward (congregation) was full of single women and he could see how plural marriage would be a good option for them. It seems he has less participation in his Church of single men. How wide spread this is the case I don’t know but it seems to be common based upon my empirical evidence. Furthermore, in our own families and culture it seems that many more women than men are willing to live plural marriage. Those that don’t seem to find mates just fine.
Interesting food for thought. Thanks for your prompt response.
At my lds church there is way more women then men and the only men that are there are either teens or married men so that leaves us single women well without a choice of a husband. It makes it even harder for someone like myself that’s a single mom because we’ve been taught that without a husband we will not be with our children in heaven. Not really fair in my thoughts but it’s what they teach. I myself have been given a calling by heavenly father to live the practice. I am going to listen to his calling and follow his calling. I’m trying to save up and move to Utah as he’s instructed of me but with 5 kids saving can be hard. I’ve just yesterday put my heart out there and reached out to the family that I feel the lord has led me to. It wasn’t a easy thing for me to do and the fear of them not wanting me is overwhelming but with the lords guidance I believe that he will open their hearts to mebas well. The lord will never put something into your heart if wasn’t going to make it happen.
I love your family and reading your book has changed my life in so many ways . I never knew a love like your family has. It’s a beautiful thing. My oldest daughter has read the book and prayed about it and has also been given a calling by heavenly father to live the practice. Lots of love from my family to yours.
Hi i am very supportive of your life style and i find it very interesting i saw your family on Sister Wives and I was hoping your family would do a show also, I feel like your family is stronger and more organized with a better, solid base. My question is not to be rude or dis-respectful but i am wondering because your wives are blood related by being twins and a cousin is their a health issue at all with the children being all related in that way> Im not even sure im speaking correctly, i again don’t mean any disrespect. I wish you the best of luck with your beautiful family
Dana,
I am not sure what health issues you are referring to? I presume you mean genetic problems that is often associated with intermarrying of close relatives, but that would be if my wives were related to me.
Love your book. I’m monogamist and can’t imagine living any other way. I suffered from depresion while pregnant with my 3rd child. I’m blessed that I did not have PPD, but I can understand your family’s pain.
Please watch the video I’ve attached. It is a truly meaningful song about a husbands battle with his wife’s PPD.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bnh0EuexQE
I completely support your family living the way you have chosen. I never understood why it was legal for someone to be married and have a mistress on the side but illegal to take the responsibility and commitment of marrying a second person as long as the first spouse was ok with it. I never imagined myself living that way though. But after more then 10 years of marriage my wife told me she thought she was bisexual and asked if I would be okay with her exploring that possibility. I supported her and she fell in love with a woman. She encouraged me to also have a relationship with the woman. We eventually all decided that we wanted to live the rest of our lives together. We committed ourselves to each other. Some of our close friends know about this but most people just believe she is our roommate. I wish I could tell the world about our lives but we are afraid of reprocussions. I want to thank your family for going public and hopefully someday all consenting adults will be able to live whatever family life they chose.
Do you ever feel that maybe god is giving you more than you really can handle? I am a religious person and believe in god and the bible. But recently, I have been given a no answer to something that I feel should have been a yes. It has made me question my religion and if I’m truly following the right path. I just wonder if I’m the only one who is feeling discouraged right now.
Heather,
I know a few things about getting more than I can handle! Doubt is an important part of faith. Those who “know” cannot call it faith. Faith is to bring us to a knowledge but too often those along the path of faith call their faith knowledge and as such do a disservice to themselves and to the path God has called them upon. Faith, Hope and Love are the cornerstones of the Gospel. Be not discouraged, for hope is to live in possibility, and all things are possible in God. We must have faith without attachment to the outcome or it is not God’s will, but simply our will projected as God’s will. Discouragement and doubt should only be cause for reflection, prayer and deep mediation. Then we can find our center, there rests our path for the light of Christ is in all of us, and his Holy Spirit is but there to guide us to Him. May your prayers find peace in thee and joy be found in your soul.
I have a question for the Darger wives, mostly because I am female and relate best to female perspective, though Mr. Darger is of course free to answer as well.
How did you know polygamy was right for you and how long did it take to co.e to that conclusion?
I read you book, Love times three, but am curious because I have felt a very deep calling towards polygamy for sometime now, since High School in fact (I am 29 now). I am not Mormon, was rasied Catholic but drifted away from that faith and researched many others. My reasons for desiring Polygamy have nothing to do with religion, in fact I am not sure I havs reasons, more just a deep longing. I often wonder if that means I am meant for polygamy.
Robin,
Having been raised in plural families, it was very normal to us and a natural step to be looking at polygamy as a possible choice for ourselves. Since many of the people we associated with were like-minded, we had many opportunities to see how it worked, and conversely, how it did NOT work. We were well aware of many of the challenges we might face, should we choose to live this way. With each of us, however it was a deep down feeling of knowing that it was the path we should take, and a deeply held spiritual belief.
As for us, religion is key in the choice to live this way.
i checked out your book from the library and read it thru. i really like it better then the sister wives book. im going to buy your book to go w/ my collection i have of the subject of poly for your book gives a positive view of the lifestyle. want to know if there is any positive poly in Texas? Please email me so i can ask you a personal question. want to give you personal facts of me to have your opinion
if there will be any hope of me being apart of any family to have the love, understanding, stability and friendship your family has.
i have the faith already,well i try to keep it, from living all my adult life in poverty.
i learned it fast to depend on God for everything i needed to live and raise my kids. i still depend on Him and talk to Him like He is my dad i never had in life.
thank you for this website to help us all to ask our questions and get to know
about your lifestyle and faith. it is inspiration to all.
Teresa in Arlington
I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before. While I have different beliefs and a different lifestyle than yours, I can’t help but love your family! I love that you have a house full of kids and so much love to go around; family is such a blessing. <3
Hi Joe and the Dagger. I read a preview of your book and I got to tell you the preview are very excellent. Is there is a possibility that a president of the United States will support polygamy? I am a strong supporter of plural marriage and I watch the show Sister Wives a couple of times. I want to read your book so badly that I am eager to learn more about this lifestyle. I wrote a paper on this lifestyle in freshman year of college.
After seeing your family on TLC I was instantly captivated by your lifestyle and beliefs and purchased love times three. Your families love and and strength shines through every word of your book, I feel like I have gained such a plethora of resources to use in my everyday life with my own 4 children. It’s refreshing to see such a solid and wholesome family unit. I am curious to know if your family will doing a series like “Sister Wives”? With such a high divorce rate in this country (myself included) I think having a family with such a strong faith and morals would be a breath of fresh of air for viewers. I’m sure it’s odd for strangers to want to be/see a part of your life. God bless all 4 of you and your lovely family!
Thank you for your kind words it is very inspiring and kind. We feel liberated being public but we do not relish the spotlight. We are committed to decriminalizing our family and inspiring others so we are open to whatever means is available to us for that end.
Hi. I was wondering why you guys choose polygamy over monogamy? is it because you came from polygamist parents? I know you have chosen this kind of lifestyle because of your faith, and you don’t impose it on anyone neither are you against monogamy. But I’m just wondering why you choose polygamy over monogamy? I mean, would you be less happy if you were in a monogamist family?
Wow. While I do not share the same views as you I must say that I admire and respect your ability to be so open about such a publicly slammed subject. I find it sad that you are being criminalized, your family seems very lovely and I wish in the future you will be allowed to live in peace with the government, law, and the public.
-Charlie
I am now nearing the end of reading Love Times Three and congratulate you all on writing such a mature and honest book. The life of a polygamous marriage in the US seems so distant & different from my life in Australia though the way you have detailed your stories is helping me to understand the many aspects of your lives and why polygamous marriage is right for you. It can be a challenge for people (in this instance me!) to open their minds and accept other ways of life but I believe a bigger challenge to be the ones to open their lives to others. To my mind I can think of no reason why your marriage is considered illegal when it gives so much to all of you and hurts no one. All the best!
Hello.
How does one get involved with the polygamist community?
I would very much like to get better acquainted with the lifestyle and those likewise so inclined.
Any advise/help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
John, I am not sure there is “the” polygamist community out there you seek. Since I know little about you personally my advice is really advice in general based upon my own experience. There are several communities that are centered around church’s that practice or believe in plural marriage. Usually when a man comes around looking to be a part of a polygamist community in my experience his motives are suspect by those communities for good reason. We are NOT selling the polygamous lifestyle, simply our rights to live how we freely choose. In fact, my recommendations to the majority of people is “don’t try this at home.” If it is not part of your deeply held convictions, or if it is not a case where you AND your wife have a love and a desire for someone to be part of your family and that person reciprocates that love, then beware. This way of life is ruined more by men who have no idea of the commitment, sacrifice and skills required to undertake such a life than men whoever succeed in it. It can only be entered into for with complete regard for the women involved and no regard for ones self. With that caveat I would suggest you find a deep connection with your higher power and let that being direct you to the righteous desires of your heart.
Joe,
You’re right, you don’t know me…
You state that I am in need of guidance from a “higher power”. Why? Is that a prognostication of sorts on your part?
That statement implies that I am misguided and that my desires are spiritually unfounded.
Also, I’m not BUYING anything. I simply was asking to meet people of like mindedness.
Nevertheless, because you did not offer to get to know me, or at least to prove the sincerity of my intentions, I suppose you have nothing more to say.
Thanks again.
Hello!
I have yet to read your novel, though I cannot wait too, so I simply can’t comment on how wonderful it is like most of the comments I have read through. I have seen your family mingle with the Browns on Sister-wives, however, and I want to let you know that like the Browns, I most defiantly support your life-style. Holding up the Principle seems to be a calling some either feel inside or they do not.
My own husband and I are actually hoping to move to Utah within the next year. We have been talking for several months, praying on what we should do. We felt that being a Fundamentalist Mormon family is where we belong. Your family structure is amazing to me, and I hope I can learn more on how your family works after reading your book. The idea of living in one home all together is very inspiring.
Being Independent Fundamental Mormons, do you go to any type of church service?
We worship on our own in our home. We belong to no church. However, on occasion we have attended other services of other denominations, LDS, Fundamentalist, and Christian as well as a Catholic Mass.
Our faith is about polygyny, one man married to multiple women as in biblical times,
It is your right to believe what ever you want but please don’t say something that implies that the God revealed in the Bible support polygamy. Bible does not support polygamy. Polygamy is a marriage which includes more than two partners.
It is more accurate to say that you are mormons and this is your faith.
Here it is an article about polygamy in the Bible (Source: http://www.letusreason.org/Biblexp75.htm):
What does Scripture say about Polygamy?
In Matt. 19:4 we are told by Jesus that God created one “male and [one] female” and joined them in marriage. Mark 10:6-8:”But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, ‘and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.
The two as one is the pattern on how marriage was to be conducted from the start. NOT three or four as one.
Eve was taken from Adams body and given back to him as his wife (singular) showing God’s approval of what the marriage union is to be like. God always spoke of man’s “wife,” as singular, not wives. Notice it also states one father one mother.
It wasn’t until sin made man fall (Gen. 4:23) that polygamy occurs. Cain was cursed, Lamech is a descendent of Cain and the first to practice polygamy. The first time polygamous relationship is found in the Bible is with a thriving rebellious society in sin; when a murderer named “Lamech [a descendant of Cain] took for himself two wives” (Gen.4:19, 23).
The same Godly pattern of one man and one wife is lived by Noah. At the time of the Ark (Gen. 7:7), Noah took his one wife into the ark, all his son’s took one wife; God called Noah’s family righteous and pure. If polygamy were ordained of God, it would have made sense that Noah and his sons would have taken additional wives with them to repopulate the earth faster from the cataclysm.
This was to be a permanent union between man and woman that they might be helpful to one another (Genesis 2:18). Marriage represents a relationship of both spiritual and physical unity.
Hebrews 13:3-4: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
We have examples of saints in the Old Testament going off the commandment i.e Solomon, but this is not God approved. Many of the patriarchs took more than one wife. Abraham, by recommendation of Sarah, took her maid. Jacob was tricked through Laban, into taking Leah first, and then Rachel, to whom he had been betrothed. polygamy was not wrong in ancient cultures, but was a departure from the divine institution that God ordained.
In the Bible I count 15 examples of polygamy from the time of Lamech to 931 A.D. 13 of these men had enough power that no one could call into question their practice, they were unaccountable or no one dared approach them. Lamech Genesis 4:19; Abraham Genesis 16; Esau Genesis 26:34; 28:9; Jacob Genesis 29:30; Ashur 1 Chronicles 4:5; Gideon Judges 8:30; Elkanah 1 Samuel 1:2; David 1 Samuel 25:39-44; 2 Samuel 3:2-5; 5:13; 1 Chronicles 14:3; Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-8; Rehoboam 2 Chronicles 11:18-23; Abijah 2 Chronicles 13:21; Jehoram 2 Chronicles 21:14; Joash 2 Chronicles 24:3; Ahab 2 Kings 10; Jehoiachin 2 Kings 24:15; Belshazzar Daniel 5:2; 1 Chronicles 2:8; Hosea in Hosea 3:1,2. Polygamy is mentioned in the Mosaic law and made inclusive on the basis of legislation, and continued to be practiced all down through the period of Jewish history to the Captivity, after which there is no instance of it on record (Gen.29:15-30, Jacob and his wives.)
Was Abraham, David Solomon condemned or approved for practicing polygamy? Well they certainly did not get blessed for it! The fact that every polygamist in the Bible like David and Solomon (1 Chron. 14:3) were punished. This should be evidence that this is not God’s will.
God never condoned polygamy but like divorce he allowed it to occur and did not bring an immediate punishment for this disobedience. Deut. 17:14-17: “I will set a king over me like all the nations that are around me,’ “you shall surely set a king over you whom the LORD your God chooses; one from among your brethren you shall set as king over you; you may not set a foreigner over you, who is not your brother. But he shall not multiply horses for himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt to multiply horses, for the LORD has said to you, ‘You shall not return that way again.’ “Neither shall he multiply wives for himself, lest his heart turn away; nor shall he greatly multiply silver and gold for himself.” This is the command of God, and he has never changed it.
1 Kings 11:3 says Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines violating the principle of monogamy that he was given through the law of Moses. Consider that Solomon at one time was the wisest man in the world. In I Kings 11:4: “For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father.” Notice Solomon became a polytheist because he was influenced in polygamy. In his case many wives, became many gods. Scripture has always commanded monogamy (Ps.128:3; Prov. 5:18; 18:22; 19:14; 31:10-29; Eccl. 9:9).
The fact is that God never commanded polygamy or divorce. Scripture says (Bible) He only permitted it because of the hardness of their hearts (Deut. 24:1; Matt. 19:8). Matt. 5:31-32: “Furthermore it has been said, “Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce. But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” God hates divorce as well as polygamy, since it destroys the family (Mal. 2:16). Whatever the patriarchs or any Christian did wrong does not change the fact the Bible condemns it.
There are some stipulations in the law that are connected to this subject. Matt. 22:24: “Teacher, Moses said that if a man dies, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife and raise up offspring for his brother.” This is based on the commandment found in Deut. 25:5-6: “If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the widow of the dead man shall not be married to a stranger outside the family; her husband’s brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her. “And it shall be that the firstborn son which she bears will succeed to the name of his dead brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel. ”
Multiple wives was tolerated but never with God’s approval. Jesus told the Jews, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way” (Matthew 19:3-8). The Mosaic law aimed at mitigating, rather than removing, evils that were inseparable from the state of society in that day. Its enactments were directed to the discouragement of polygamy; to prevent the injustice frequently consequent upon the exercise of the rights of a father or a master; to bring divorce under some restriction; and to enforce purity of life during the maintenance of the matrimonial bond.
The Bible says adultery is not a choice, one does not have to acquire another wife to solve his urges. Jesus said if you look upon another woman with desire (married or not) it is adultery, a sin.
Paul insisted that a leader in the church should be “the husband of one wife,” a deacon or elder must have one wife… Titus 1:6.
The New Testament teaches that, “Each man [should] have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2). Monogamous marriage teaches us the type of the relation Christ has between himself and His bride, the church (Eph. 5:31-32). The church is called the bride, collectively as one (singular) each person is not a bride, as in plurality of wives and marriages.
How many wives did Adam have in Gen.2:24? One, God did not take two wives out from his side. Monogamy has always been God’s standard for the human race. From the very beginning God set the pattern by creating a monogamous marriage relationship -one man and one woman, Adam and Eve (Gen. 1:27; 2:21-25). It cannot be interpreted he became one with “each wife”; then this would mean he would be a husband to each, committing adultery. God certainly could have made two or more wives for Adam, this would have endorse the idea of polygamy, but he made only one.
The Bible clearly and decidedly states that God does not condone or allow the practice of polygamy over and over again.
Elah -
Every one of your arguments are extremely biased and pure conjecture!
Nowhere in the Bible does God ACTUALLY condemn the practice of Polygamy!
Christ did NOT say ‘…another woman’, but ‘…looks upon a woman’, and Paul was a professed celibate – which is a contradiction of behavior considering the commandment in the Garden was to be fruitful and multiply!
Yes, God joined male and female… Yea! However, that does not in any way suggest a monogamous only relationship!
Incidentally, God is a Living Force; NOT a book!!!