Mom To Be At 43! Part Two

I have had morning sickness for the past three months—my least favorite thing about being pregnant. Who decided to call it morning sickness anyway? That is a dirty trick since it lasts all day long for me! It’s the thing I dread even when I think about getting pregnant, almost enough to be a deterrent … but not quite.

Some women dread the aches and pains of bodily changes that come with pregnancy; some dread labor and delivery. Some dread nights with little sleep and the demands of caring for a newborn.

Me? Once I get through that morning sickness, which usually goes away by the fourth month, I can handle everything else. I am almost there, with just lingering headaches now and then. I do get super tired, so I get discouraged at how little I accomplish during the day. I also feel very nauseous if I don’t have some food in my mouth constantly. By bedtime, I feel very cranky!

In fact, I don’t feel much like myself at all in those first three months, like I’m a bit checked out of life.

The hormonal shifts that make me teary over everything? Those come on a little later (and are the part Joe dreads!).

On top of all that, as a plural wife, the idea that I am having a baby when neither of my sister wives are made me think twice … make that thrice.

Let’s start with breastfeeding, which I love but also definitely ties me down. I wouldn’t trade the bonding I feel with my babies during that period for any amount of freedom.

But, when my sister wives can pick and go for several hours, or the weekend, with Joe, I sometimes worry that my relationship with him will become fragmented since we aren’t able to spend time together like that. I start comparing and figuring Alina and Val will have more opportunities to work on their relationships with Joe while ours falls behind.

I know, however, that it is just that—FEARS! I don’t want to live my life in fear of what might or might not happen. I will not allow fear to get in the way of realizing the possibilities that I have embraced for myself and for my life. If I had chosen to cower behind my fears, I would have never entered this plural relationship—and it is one of the best things I ever did!

Another challenge: Working out and keeping fit has always been a priority for me. I have been so diligent in keeping up with my workouts. I knew morning sickness would throw me for a loop after all that hard work. And it did. I have lost a lot of muscle and stamina.

And then there is the issue of the weight gain that comes with pregnancy—which is compounded when I start comparing. I have to accept that I am going to put on weight—and I usually put on lots of it—and then work hard to lose it.

I am not like Alina. She is lucky. Once Alina reaches the end of a pregnancy and gives birth, she is right back at the same weight she was before becoming pregnant. In her ninth month of her last pregnancy, people were surprised to learn she was about to give birth!

Not me. My body is already in fat storing mode and I am embracing my curves!

With everything going on in my life, choosing to have a baby was a big decision for another reason.

I wrote in Love Times Three about my experience with Post-Partum Depression. I had a severe case of PPD after Boston, my seventh child. It was a very difficult time in my life, possibly compounded by the husband and sister wives dynamic. I didn’t know if my marriage would ever be the same.

With Victoria, though my PPD wasn’t as extreme, I was still dealing with a lot of the aftermath and repairing some damaged relationships.

In the worst of those times, I found the best in me and in my relationships with Joe and my sister wives, which made it easy to get around that fear and not let it stop me from realizing my desire to bring a new life into our family.



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12 Responses to Mom To Be At 43! Part Two

  1. Kari Kirkland says:

    Amazingly that is the way with my pregnancies. First 3 months wipe me out. After that, I am a great pregnant person. I don’t complain about the heart burn or the swelling….but the first three months my body SHUTS DOWN. I guess it needs time. Now, my first baby I lost the weight instantly…..but number 2 and 3 …..well….baby fat still remains here….and there….and a little over there……and a little there

    • Vicki says:

      I understand the weight gain thing, as you can see. I was scared of it, especially with my age, but I know that my health and fitness are important and it is part of the culture of our family so I know I will get back to where I started :) I am happy to be feeling better!

  2. angireid says:

    One thing that I love about plural marriage (which I am not in) is how at the forefront of everything always working on your relationship with your sister wives and your husband is. When you are one to one I think I (not trying to speak for others) sort of lose focus on the importance of that relationship and instead end up thinking day to day about logistics of our family instead of the richness of our relationship. Its a useful reminder to me when I see you mention is causally, because it is part of your every day. So so important and unfortunately sometimes so easy to by pass because I’m figuring out how to cook the chicken for supper…

    • Vicki says:

      I think we all have things to learn from others. I appreciate where I am and the blessings in my life (not all of them and not all the time!) So much of our success is because of our context, our choosing to be responsible for our relationships, if you will. Every day is logistics for us, but every day there are opportunities for our own spiritual and emotional development, which is the part I appreciate. I learn about myself through my family, who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. It is a safe place for all of our family to learn to flourish! Our relationships being inside of a larger context is part of what keeps us united and strong as a family unit. Thank you for your comment!

  3. Angie says:

    I don’t recall all the details from the book (It’s been a while since I read it), and while it isn’t a substitute for other medications/therapy for PPD, have you considered looking into placenta encapsulation? It helps a lot of women, for many other reasons besides PPD too!

    • Vicki says:

      Thank you! After what I went through with Boston, I actually did that with Victoria. The concept was a bit foreign so it took me some time to warm up to it but I had some favorable reviews by people I knew, it definitely helped and I recommend it.

  4. love your honesty~~ tremendous respect for that and your thoughtfulness for feelings of others! all the best for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery.

  5. Holly says:

    Congrats!!! Hope everything goes well for ya’ll! Love u guys!

  6. lex says:

    I really admire your honesty – I know I don’t know you at all, but I would say to trust in your relationship with Joe. You’ve both been through this before and meant to be together!! As for the pregnancy weight, it’s natural and it happens. There are pregnancy exercise classes you can take and just remember the baby needs a house too, it can’t live in your ribs and abs! ;)

  7. Dianne says:

    Something I have noticed watching The Browns on Sisterwives and now watching and reading snippets about the Dargers and also from watching Polygamy USA. The husband and wives are very concerned about making sure all is equitable and fair, so that relationships can grow or be maintained and each woman is allowed “her” time with her husband. In a family with one mother, one father and their children the woman automatically gets her time with her husband, she doesn’t have to compete with anybody else (the insinuations that Joe makes that these men are all cheaters is far from true, there are many happy homes where the parents work very hard to follow the teaching of Christ, of one man with one woman). In the traditional family there are guy nights, when dad does something with his sons, or bonding times when dads do special things with their daughters. It is an integral part of bonding between a father and his children. When the mother doesn’t have to make sure she is getting her allotted time, she can step back and allow dad and the children to have time together. How does that work when each night dad is required to be with one of his wives? How do the guys have a guys night out, or camp out…if doing so is going to mess up the dynamic of the home? Worrying about special date nights several times a week to make sure each wife gets her turn, seems to deny the children the attention they deserve with their father.
    Perhaps these shows spend too much time trying to showcase the marital dynamics and in doing so they shortchange how much time is really spent between dad and his children, or beautiful children I should say in your case (The Darger children are absolutely stunning).

  8. lacy says:

    Fainting, fatigue, and depression are often my beginning pregnancy issues. When I get to the middle, I start to not dread on those things though, finding myslef smiling and wanting to jump up whenever I feel the baby move. I have two beautiful children currently (both boys ages 1 and 2) and am due to have another boy on October 31st. Can’t wait to hold my newest addition to the family, so I am sure everyone is super excited in the Darger family for your little bundle of joy! God bless you and your upcoming lil Darger!

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