My New Boyfriend

One of the questions I am asked most frequently is “Can you have more than one husband?” My answer to that is “I can but it is not what I choose and not part of our faith. I am free at any time to leave and make that choice if it appeals to me.”  I have never wanted a “brother husband” in a relationship. One husband has always been enough for me.

Me and my new "boyfriend".

Joe, Vicki and I recently had our 22nd anniversary. We went for a nice dinner and then Joe left town to work the next day. While he was gone, Vicki gave me an anniversary gift wrapped in shiny paper with a big bow and a very kind, sincere letter attached.  In the letter she expressed, “Please accept this gift as a token of my appreciation for you and understanding that I know how challenging it can be to ‘share’ sometimes.  This won’t necessarily make it easier but might ‘comfort’ you at times. I was intrigued. What could possibly be in this box that would bring me comfort?

When I opened the box, I busted up laughing. Inside was a “boyfriend/husband pillow”.  The pillow is the shape of a man’s torso with a shirt on and has an arm that wraps around your shoulder.  A bunch of the kids wanted to try it out and some of them were a little “creeped out” by it. That night I gave the pillow a shot. Although she bought it as more of a gag gift, to my surprise it was quite comfortable.  Made of memory foam, the pillow seems to hold shape very well. And the “arm” around the neck provides some support.  I actually like it for when I am watching a movie in bed since I have a headboard that is not too comfortable to lean against.

I found the ad for the pillow rather compelling:

  1. Feel the hug of a real man without the snoring, smell, tossing or turning.
  2. Great sleeping companion for single ladies.
  3. Provides secure sense of comfort.
  4. Soft and comfortable body pillow.  And last but not least:
  5. Doesn’t have legs, so it can’t run away!

I think my answer will stay the same when asked if I want to have a “brother husband”.  This pillow can’t replace Joe after all these years, snoring or not. However, it can help with a good nights rest.


This entry was posted in Humor, Our Family, Polygamy, Product Reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to My New Boyfriend

  1. Joy m says:

    Funny!!! What a clever gift!

  2. Levi says:

    you guys are nerds. :-) very funny!

  3. Karen Bsumek says:

    Love it! I want one!!!!!

  4. Karen Bsumek says:

    I love it’ I want one!!!

  5. Natasha says:

    Haha! I’ve seen those on the internet! What a funny gift for a sister-wife. You ladies are so cute. Loved your book btw. I talk to everyone about polygamy, lol. It’s not a part of my life, but I’m so glad your family helped me open my mind to families like yours.

  6. This is great! Too funny. I have to admit there have been a few times in my 22 year marriage when I’ve fantasized about having my own bedroom like I had when I was a teenager. I love having my husband with me at night, but having lived monogamously now for 19 years, there are times when having a bed to myself is truly wonderful! (Like when I’m coughing up a storm and don’t want to disturb him, or when he wants to watch TV all night long and I have to give him the evil eye that it is time to sleep!)

  7. Kacy says:

    Too cute! I love it!

  8. Elvie says:

    Haha! You ladies are so adorable! What a perfect gift for a sister wife! I love it!

  9. Janey says:

    Usually I am understanding and sympathetic to your religious mores. But this post just made me sad. Here is a beautiful woman who deserves her husband in her bed nightly and instead she is given a pillow to replicate her man.

    As the wife of a firefighter who is gone 4 nights out of 8 I understand the ‘sucking it up for the family’ but truly, as much as I try to understand it I could not live as you do. At least when my husband is away he is not with another woman.

    I question a religion that rewards a man for having multiple wives. But then I question all organized religion as most are so MAN based and completely designed to make women the lesser of beings. Ones who can be melded or molded to be who men want them to be.

    As all of you women have been raised in a religion that makes you believe being a multiple wife is next to godliness how can you think any differently. I do not believe there is any god out there that would want you to live daily with jealousy, needs and wants unrequited. How could a ‘god’ be so selfish towards the women he created.

    While I support your living situation as it seems to suit you I truly question your lifestyle and what any of you would have chosen had you not been indoctrinated with an outdated Mormon religious code that told you black and white what you should do.

    The majority of us out there choose a life that makes us happy. We live with free choice in who we marry, or not. We rarely have to live our lives feeling sick about who our husband is sleeping with that night (because if they strayed they obviously never loved us as they should and are worthy of leaving.) Your religion may tell you that multiple wives are the goal but I am pretty sure this religion was hatched up by a man who simply wanted to share his penis with as many as he could.

    Because it is what it is. Religion very subjective. And man oriented.

    And why as a scientist I could never understand why intelligent people could not look at scientific facts about evolution, the development of our society. But most do. Unless their lives revolve around some tangent ‘religion’ that continues to objectify women and have the ‘man’ as the ‘god’ of the family.

    I read your blog and feel nothing but sorry for all of you women. Yes, your ‘choice’ to live this lifestyle but were you REALLY given any choice in pursuing another life? Further education in a non-sexist society?

    Living on your own for a time and relying on yourselves to support yourself without a man to bail you out? Did you ever live self sufficiently doing what you loved to do without a man footing the bill? Where you ever independent for a reasonable amount of time based on the merits of your own resources?

    I am thinking not. I think your religion bases much on how little the women can accomplish on their own so they are dependent on being a multiple wife to survive.

    • I really struggle with your comment. Because you view a plural marriage as living constantly in jealously, not all of us do. For that matter, not all of us are in a plural marriage for religious reasons. I don’t walk around daily in jealously. Luckily, the three of us sleep in the same bed, so I’m not sleeping alone, but there are nights when someone’s being a bed hog that the idea appeals to me. Do we have struggles sometimes, sure. Are you going to say you don’t have any struggles? Everyone has struggles. It is in how you choose to handle it that matters.

      • Cheryl says:

        “Luckily the three of us sleep in the same bed” …..

        So many questions about that comment. How does each couple have their alone time? How is that even remotely in line with following Christ?

        Actually… never mind. I don’t even want to know the response.

        I’m praying for you.

        • Cheryl,

          Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for my improved health and direction in my career, but do not feel it necessary to pray for my marriage. For it is the love of my partners that have given me the strength to fight my health battles.

          I will pray for your ability to be less judging, to leave judgment to God himself, for love and for peace.

          Warm thoughts,


          • Amy says:

            I am sorry to hear about your cancer. When my (monogamous) husband had cancer last year my best friend would come and help when i would get to exhausted and needed rest. I would sleep on the couch and she would sleep in a chair next to my husband in bed. She was not in bed with him however she could get up and help him so i could sleep. If i was in the same room i would wake up startled every time he moved or breathed wrong. He had stage 4 cancer and wasn’t “supposed” to make it. We are very lucky he pulled threw and is in remission. I am glad you have family to help you during this time.

  10. Stephania says:

    I don’t think Janey gets it that your marriage(s) are not considered ‘straying’ but are but parts of a total family. She obviously has a different perspective of the world, as I’m sure you see your many children as a worthy accomplishment and that your combined efforts in raising them, financial or otherwise- do not constitute a “bailout”.

    Even by her own logic, one can be as financially dependent in monogamous relationships and yet be worse off due to the costs of childcare, and have no built-in emotional support outside of the spouse and no one to talk to about problems that may come up other than friends or relatives that will say ‘well you got into this, deal with it as best you can , it’s your problem, good luck with that,etc..’ Janey doesn’t see that women in this dynamic can also hold men accountable rather than make excuses for him and tell you to just ‘deal with it and good luck’. Why would they hold the man accountable for your interests? Because it is not a zero-sum game where there is only one ‘winner’ or a game of power where the power shifts back ad forth like a ping-pong match. When you share common interests, be they beliefs, children, whatever, then you want the others to be doing well because it helps the whole and it helps you and your kids and household by proxy, rather than detracts from it.

    If I am correct in this ‘mutual accountability theory’ rather than as Janey says “ganging up”, it would be interesting to hear Alina, Vickie and Valerie’s perspective on this, as well as Joe’s.

    This type of arrangement, practiced in the modern-day sense, seems to leave little room for isolation and one-person total control. That doesn’t happen in mono-marriages? I don’t believe for one second Janey is a scientist, as if she were, she likely would not be hammering on the religious aspect, let alone seem to lack a basic understanding and knowledge that because her way works for her- that doesn’t mean that is the way it has always worked throughout history. Her attitude also speaks to a certain youthful naivete that somehow equates promiscuity with polygamy.

    Men who want to do what she Janey is talking about are going to go ahead and do it period, and the more common form it takes is not even close to a committed and agreed upon combined family. In that framework at best it is someone they know, either a ‘mistress’ or ‘friend with benefits’ or worse, various prostitutes or bar pick ups. They don’t make households with these women and usually only support children of such unions when the court orders it or if they are rich enough, to keep the woman out of the picture and quiet. That is not a family situation. Janey is so used to those scenarios being the only other options other than the perfect monogamous marriage that she can’t get her mind around anything else not being that, which is sad.

    Perhaps it hasn’t always ‘looked like’ the Darger family- perhaps it was (and is in some cultures) more tribal and not as organized. This is not to put down the concept of pair-bonding at all- but to say one is a scientist in one breath yet not acknowledge that this way of life is probably more accurate and common to what has happened throughout the ages (and this did happen in the bible I’m fairly sure) makes the scientist story seem that much ore disingenuous. Point being, as I said, pair-bonding is fine too, just not the only way probably as far back as the cave days…

    Aside from that, I think it is great Alina is strong and secure enough to have a sense of humor, and it sure doesn’t look to me like she is clutching her gut in horror or reading romance novels and weeping over them.

    That said, in keeping with the idea of the Joe-pillow, if the NY pictures are true-to-form, I think she needs to add a couple more of those to sew together. I mean, nothing is wrong with the way he’s built, he looks strong and like he works out- but unlike Alina, Joe doesn’t appear to be….well..’willowy’ – hey we can’t all be that lucky in the metabolism department!

  11. Alina says:

    Thank you for your comments. I feel you have great concern for the well-being of women everywhere and I appreciate those sentiments. I wonder if some of your expressions are borne out of misconception and lack of understanding; or maybe drawn on a view from your own experience.
    I attended the same public school as hundreds of children from monogamous marriages so I was keenly aware that my family was not the norm. Not one of my teachers ever taught me that I should have to live in a plural marriage. I knew what was available to me. Nor did my parents ever threaten, coerce or force me to choose this life. Many of my siblings chose not to enter a plural marriage; both male and female. We all get along great together. On the contrary, my parents always taught me that plural marriage was sacred and only to be lived with the highest amount of respect for all concerned.
    Plural marriage is not a choice I made lightly, my own grandfather spent a total of seven years in prison for his decision to live according to his conscience. He could have been released early if he would abandon all his wives but one. He refused. That shows me true honor and devotion, not a desire to gratify lust or control women.
    The fact that I have been blessed enough to have a partnership for twenty two years does not make me less independent, it makes me stronger. Vicki and I supported the family early on while Joe finished school. Nowadays, we all work or contribute to the family. I feel very grateful for the help we give one another. I have never equated living alone or on my own with being an independent woman. That comes from inner strength and confidence. Family is most important to me and therefore, so is interdependence in relationships.
    I don’t think anyone has the perfect life; but my life is perfect for me. I respect the right of others to believe what resonates with them. I don’t automatically assume they are brainwashed if they don’t believe as I believe. I think people can agree to disagree. If we can’t look at ourselves and have a good laugh from time to time then what is it all for? :)

    • Alina,

      I admire your honesty and grace in handling comments and concerns of others. I like to think that we (as a human race) can continue to learn, grow and accept. I may not believe in your religious reasons for a plural marriage. You may not believe in my non religious reasons for a plural marriage. For me living in a monogamous two person marriage would feel like I was giving something up or making a sacrifice. My monogamous triad marriage is perfect for me. I still respect your choice and the choices made by my non poly friends.

      I think the reason for wanting to raise awareness is that, I want my love to be as recognized as the next person’s. I don’t want my husband to go to jail. I want to be able to be carried on his insurance. The list goes on.

      I wish you all the best in your endeavors, your family, and your purpose. Hopefully together we can show a side of polyamorous that isn’t plagued with images of Warren Jeffs and 14 year old wives.

  12. Liz M. says:

    LOL! Just recently I noticed a baby formula on a supermarket shelf, labelled “for fussiness and gas.” I wonder if they make a similar product for husbands?

    Seriously, though, if Joe’s snoring is a problem, I strongly recommend that he talk to his doctor. In the photographs he appears to have a thick, muscular neck, which is one of many factors that can contribute to sleep apnea. (Joe, if you are reading this, don’t take that personally, you are a handsome man!)

    Your insurance should cover diagnosis and treatment. The new CPAP machines are very compact and have nose-only masks. I believe they are only prescribed if you have a serious condition, not just if you snore.

    • Liz M. – Sleep apena is such a serious thing! Both of my partners have it actually and both of them have the masks. My wife has just the nose pillows. My husband has the mouth and nose mask. He breathes through his mouth more than his nose so for him it made more sense.

      Everyone is now getting a better nights sleep because of it, which is always a good thing! :-)

  13. Michael says:

    The preceding comments make a very good point. Joe, if you are snoring, you definitely need to talk to your doctor about having a sleep study done. Not everyone who snore has sleep apnea, but many people who snore do, and sleep apnea is associated with very increased risk of heart attack and other problems. Your family loves and needs you – please get this checked out!

    • Brian E Kamerath says:

      I always snored some before I had a sleep apnea problem. I didn’t get my tonsils out until I was a 21 year-old RM. Snoring alone wasn’t definitive signature for my sleep apnea problem. I started waking up with headaches. Headache frequency increased, sometimes enough to practically bring me to tears. Shooting ear muffs, a blind fold, heavy doses of barbiturate medications, and trying to “sleep” would help and hurt. I could fall asleep sitting on the couch mid-conversation. My mood sullied, and I actually found myself eating less and losing weight. (The reverse is more commonly the case.) As serious of a problem as sleep apnea this isn’t the place for projecting a diagnosis.

  14. Brian E Kamerath says:

    Meeting Alina, Vicki, & Valerie at the Utah Libertarian State Convention I noticed three attractive, happy, well-adjusted women I had nothing but admiration for. I understand where you’re coming from with this post Alina because my wife is an RN and works nights. She was already working as a nurse when we were married. My “girl-friend” is a big brown body pillow. Wrapping up around it on my side has two benefits: something to cuddle and something that reduces my sleep apnea problems. Because of the sleep apnea I have I sleep with that pillow even when she’s home.

  15. ZedEm says:

    Hi Alina, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but ever since I found out about your family (after watching the episode of Sister Wives that you were featured on), I’ve wondered if it’s especially hard for you, considering your sister wives are not just biological sisters, but twins – meaning they most probably have a natural bond that binds them together and a genuine love for each other, as twins do. In most of the pictures I’ve seen of all of you, Vicki and Valerie are always dressed alike and sitting/standing together. Is this difficult for you emotionally? Sorry if this is too personal!

  16. Rachel Welker Muldowney says:

    So sad that you have to sleep with a pillow man. I feel so bad for you. I am so sorry for you. She gave it to you, cuz she knows the pain you feel, she feels it too.

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