Listening to the ’Oldies’ station last night on the radio I heard the song “Life’s Been Good” by The Eagles. The lyrics stuck in my head as they played:
“Lucky I’m still sane after all I’ve been through,
I can’t complain but sometimes I still do
Life’s been good to me so far”
I feel like I can totally relate. It is a discouraging time for me. I’m just having one of those days.
I’m feeling sorry for myself for being the one who got cancer and the ways it has changed my life. Instead of feeling grateful that I am alive I’m feeling angry that I have to be reliant on a pill every day for the rest of my life. Frustrated that I don’t have the metabolism that I used to have and will never have it again. Bemoaning the fact that despite working out and mostly healthy eating I am gaining weight. My body is forever changed and there is nothing I can do about it.
With the change of seasons, instead of being excited for warmer weather, I got an accute case of hay fever. So what do I do? Head straight to the drug store for relief. I’ve tried several medications hoping to find one that would take away my symptoms. They are hit and miss so I was none too happy with any of them and to make matters worse I got slammed with some severe “side effects”. Which, I learned, was partially due to my body’s lack of a Thyroid. It’s so miserably unfair!
In trying to sort through all this negativity, I started looking for someone or something to blame. I decided to blame myself. Who better to put this on? I mean…if only I would have gotten that lump checked out sooner, or eaten only ‘fresh, raw and organic’ foods, or steared clear of x-ray machines for my entire life (if only I could have known they could potentially harm me) or maybe I had some negative thoughts and feelings that I had buried alive which were the cause of bodily harm. Who even knows? The list could go on and on.
I know it’s wrong but part of me just wants to wallow in it. Have my own little pity party. Unfortunately, since I am in a marriage with three other people it doesn’t always work that way. The things I say and do, and sometimes even what I feel, often affects them in negative ways. I am in a negative spiral. The other day when we were all working out together, I felt so slow and sluggish that I just wanted to cry mid-workout. I expressed some of what I was feeling to Vicki , Alina and Joe. I know they were all trying to be understanding and were as supportive as they could possibly be. After exercising, we usually rest a bit, clean up our weights etc. and then mosey back in to the house. Instead I ran from the gym and into my bedroom, my sanctuary, and cried it out until there were no more tears (or so I thought).
Joe sought me out and tried his best to comfort me. I’m trying to see another perspective but at the moment well…”I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do!”
Am I alone in this? Sometimes it feels that way.