Poor Pitiful Me

Listening to the ’Oldies’ station last night on the radio I heard the song “Life’s Been Good” by The Eagles.  The lyrics stuck in my head as they played:

“Lucky I’m still sane after all I’ve been through,
I can’t complain but sometimes I still do
Life’s been good to me so far”

I feel like I can totally relate. It is a discouraging time for me. I’m just having one of those days.

I’m feeling sorry for myself for being the one who got cancer and the ways it has changed my life. Instead of feeling grateful that I am alive I’m feeling angry that I have to be reliant on a pill every day for the rest of my life. Frustrated that I don’t have the metabolism that I used to have and will never have it again. Bemoaning the fact that despite working out and mostly healthy eating I am gaining weight. My body is forever changed and there is nothing I can do about it.

With the change of seasons, instead of being excited for warmer weather, I got an accute case of hay fever.  So what do I do? Head straight to the drug store for relief. I’ve tried several medications hoping to find one that would take away my symptoms. They are hit and miss so I was none too happy with any of them and to make matters worse I got slammed with some severe “side effects”. Which, I learned,  was partially due to my body’s lack of a Thyroid. It’s so miserably unfair!

In trying to sort through all this negativity, I started looking for someone or something to blame. I decided to blame myself. Who better to put this on? I mean…if only I would have gotten that lump checked out sooner, or eaten only ‘fresh, raw and organic’ foods, or steared clear of x-ray machines for my entire life (if only I could have known they could potentially harm me) or maybe I had some negative thoughts and feelings that I had buried alive which were the cause of bodily harm. Who even knows? The list could go on and on.

I know it’s wrong but part of me just wants to wallow in it. Have my own little pity party.  Unfortunately, since I am in a marriage with three other people it doesn’t always work that way. The things I say and do, and sometimes even what I feel, often affects them in negative ways. I am in a negative spiral. The other day when we were all working out together, I felt so slow and sluggish that I just wanted to cry mid-workout. I expressed some of what I was feeling to Vicki , Alina and Joe. I know they were all trying to be understanding and were as supportive as they could possibly be. After exercising, we usually rest a bit, clean up our weights etc. and then mosey back in to the house. Instead I ran from the gym and into my bedroom, my sanctuary, and cried it out until there were no more tears (or so I thought).

Joe sought me out and tried his best to comfort me. I’m trying to see another perspective but at the moment well…”I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do!”

Am I alone in this? Sometimes it feels that way.

 

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8 Responses to Poor Pitiful Me

  1. Paweł says:

    :( You’re in my prayers, Valerie…

  2. Natja says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this Valerie, I couldn’t possibly imagine and I would never dare compare but I ‘do’ know pity party! My little flat (apartment) has been MY sanctuary since I find it very hard to be amiable and patient to people when I am in that sort of mood. You know, when my daughter decided to live with her father, the first time I dropped her off I could not imagine ‘who’ I would be, I could not imagine my life not organised around being a mum. I still don’t to be honest. All I know is I can’t do any good dwelling on all the mistakes I made in the past but I can try to make my future brighter.

    N
    x

  3. Valerie… you are not alone- NEVER alone- although it completely feels like it. All we want someone to do is to take away what we are dealing and feeling with. I personally think its OK to throw yourself a big pity party- don’t forget the chocolate, ice cream and greasy pizza….
    These things that happen to us- most of it we can not make sense of WHY it has happened to us. Trying to remind ourselves that this is in God’s plan- is challenging in itself. I have suffered with child abuse growing up and now PPD and like you, I have to take a pill to make it through each day. But on the bright side- we each have a very loving and supportive family that want the best for us. It’s hard to get above the clouds- especially when you are in the midst of a storm- but don’t give up.. keep reaching and soon you will be emerged with an abundance of warm sunshine!!

    You are surrounded by love and prayers :) You can win this battle!

  4. Tracy Roth-Myers says:

    Please try to eat well, exercise if you can and get plenty of rest! I hope that you feel better real soon! Respectfully, Tracy.

  5. Stephania says:

    So glad you are going to be ok and for all the kids, parents and everyone else concerned, that is what is most important-

    As for the rest- well some of that stuff we have to accept just getting older, some of it we can’t change- like I wish I were taller but other than shoes what can I do, some of us are probably at the weight you are now and think we’re doing pretty good, ha- and some of it might be your own perceptions rather than everyone elses – I was looking that picture of you on the couch and thinking you look fine. In fact, as we umm mature women (and I think I’m right there in your generation) sometimes having that drawn, looking like one needs a ‘sammich’ look isn’t our best look anyway.
    Maybe you don’t have to be in a dark place somewhere in your own head adding to your ‘this is what makes me special and individual, is that I’m the smallest or skinniest’. Physical stuff like changing your hair or lose/gain weight, that’s all transitory. For a minute, entertain this weird idea:

    How about being attracted to someone’s mind even over all that other stuff. Not that the physical health and all that isn’t worth any attention, just that you might be giving it more power than it really has or your perceptions not matching that of maybe most others- but also add in how in any relationship, part of what makes you valuable as you, is not just the frosting- the inside adds exponentially to the outside. The cake has to be good or the frosting doesn’t mean a whole lot. Wow these are very unsophisticated analogies. Nerd embarrassment!
    This may sound a little harsh, but I have found it to be true. This doesn’t necessarily apply to your situation, it’s kind of a general thing- that if you are even a reasonably attractive woman and work on keeping up with things, reading, having stuff you can share to talk about and debate, if you get his jokes, if you can maybe even teach them a thing or two- those are also really attractive qualities- it’s more than the frosting. So there’s much more to all this than the whole ‘ well do I still look ‘hot’ ?’ thing.

    In one of his recent posts, Joe said that thing about the “journey, not the destination” but in your belief system, in the larger scheme of things- not talking about one subject- it kind of is about the destination. About what comes after all this and I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to be some ‘hot or not’ critique.

    So maybe you are not going to be this other Valerie of the past but maybe you can manage to work with the new, still-alive Valerie (this is where you’re supposed to feel all ‘yay!’ : )
    All those people that loved you before- guess what? They still do and how lucky you are to have that! Not trying to diminish how sucky this illness has been for you but imagine going through various life and health things without any of that love and support- that you have that is such a huge gift. Let yourself be loved flaws and all by all these people rather than being your own judge-so… we are humans , we’re not perfect- but you’re still you …and still loved by many…and it’s not the end of the world, you’re going to be ok- which is super-awesome.
    Again for everyone’s sake , especially yours, so glad you have come out of this relatively unscathed, probably many of us who might have missed a facebook post or some update elsewhere were afraid to ask! Val, this thing called life is too short as it is and even with having to take the pills -you have won, even if things are a little different, remember all the stuff in the earlier part of this post- it isn’t always about the ‘frosting’…best to you and all-

  6. Rella says:

    I totally understand where ur coming from. However, I’d like to share what I got out of the whole thing: Ur sisterwives love u & want to workout w/ u. U live in the same house w/ hubby & when u need him he can just walk to ur room & comfort u, even if it isn’t ur “assigned” time & it appears ur sisterwives didn’t give u dirty looks or judge u for needing some comfort.
    I look @ ur pick & think, “What weight?” U look great & it isn’t what makes u the wonderful person u r.
    My nephew is severally developmentally delayed & his mom says,” If we all bagged up our troubles & set them on the curb & we cud pick up anyone elses we’d look around a bit & then pick up our own & go home happy.”
    Have u considered volunteering @ the cancer clinic where u received tx? It might help u get outside of urself a little.
    Thank you for sharing ur struggles as well as ur blessings.

  7. Ann says:

    Valerie, you are not alone. And it does get better. I, too, am dependent on the thyroid pill. Cancer, half my lifetime ago, left me with no thyroid function. My pill has allowed me 36 years of health. It allowed me to mother my son, who was six when I was ill and is now in his forties and to experience many other blessings over the years. In fact this year is a celebration of two blessings which I could not imagine at the ‘sick’ time. Half my life as a cancer survivor and 50 years since I came to Canada from Britain.

    Allow yourself to mourn and in time the fog will lift. For what its worth, I doubled my vit. D3 to 2000 and find it helps lift the mood.

    Good luck to you, dear.

  8. Very nice to meet all of you today. I hope we will talk again. Ask your Dr. about Flonase, or the generic form. It is a nasal spray and has turned my spring allergy from a real nuisance into a very mild inconvenience.

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