Screw Happy

When it comes to relationships I have a different perspective than everyone else in my life, because unlike them, I have been in one before, and a very bad one at that. I speak somewhat of it in our book, but I choose not to dwell on it except for the lessons it taught me in preparing for this marriage. One of those lessons is to be grateful for what I do have. Joe is certainly not perfect. He can be proud, stubborn, and quick tempered for example, but I find him so amazing compared to what I had that those things seem minimal.

I appreciate the way he is always so complimentary. He is quick to build me up and makes me feel special and like I am hugely important to him, something I never had in my other relationship. When we have our quarrels, or disagreements, and when I find myself unhappy I think of the 10 years of hard marriage I went through and focus on my why.

It seems when it comes to marriage and divorce, in an age when instant gratification trumps endurance, it is important we know why we are in our relationships. In divorce there are both the hard and soft reasons for divorce. Hard reasons include, abuse, adultery and addiction.  Even though some of the hard reasons are acceptable reasons for leaving some people work through those and are better people for it.

The soft reasons are often simply because people are not happy, or not in love any more. It reminds me of a self-improvement class once where the teacher said, “If you take nothing else from this class, take home this one message “screw happy!”  The point of living isn’t to be in a perpetual state of fairy-tale-ecstasy; it’s to find the meaning of life, the meaning of your life. And the point of marriage, I think, is to create meaning, with every happy AND sad memory, every hardship overcome, every kind act, every moment of acceptance, every triumph, every child, grandchild, pet, friend you accumulate together. The point of staying married until you die is to have a witness to your whole life, to the meaning you built. In the end you can look at your spouse [sisterwife] and say, “Somebody knew me- and I knew them.”

This isn’t to suggest you need to marry to have this kind of intimacy, but if you do marry and stay alive in that marriage, you will get that reward. The fact is that life has no meaning but the meaning we put in it. It is our choice. Things happen, we then get to choose the meaning we put on it and how we respond. This IS the meaning of life.

So the next time you see me cringe when someone is justifying my plural relationship because “I’m happy,” you will know why. If there is one thing I could tell anyone about relationships it is “Screw happy!”

In the end, I expect that very few people could begin to imagine, let alone understand the depth, width, breadth, scope, weight and heights of my relationship(s). I however, understand that it is largely the effect of our constant need and desire and drive to go deeper, get closer, be intimate, be true, and then bring it out in us the way we feel fully expressed. And of course, the rest is grace. I needed Joe, Vicki and Alina long before I ever knew it. And now I’m blessed to have them and all that our lives encompass. How wonderful it is to be a part of it all, from the silliest little things that are so pleasing and satisfying, to the most trying moments that challenge me to my core.

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11 Responses to Screw Happy

  1. LOVE this!!! perfectly said!

  2. Angel says:

    I really like this….so true! Happiness is important, but fairy tale happiness is ridiculous…I agree. For a marriage to last you have to be realistic!!! Great advice!!!

  3. Malissa says:

    I love this piece. It’s so true. Amen sister friend.

  4. Tracy Roth-Myers says:

    I believe you are truly blessed by your family ! You all seem like really cool people and I from what I read in your book and seen in your interviews on TV …you all are an inspiration to me. I wish I had a10th of your energy! Bless the Dargers!

  5. Dawn says:

    I loved what you said about creating meaning in marriage, and I know everyone has happy and sad times and even mad times. We can’t (nor would we want to) live in a constant state of ecstasy. But for me the whole point of living in this crazy life and creating relationships is to find happiness in the journey. I believe that’s the meaning you have given to your life.

  6. Rella Vaughn says:

    Thank u for posting this @ the perfect time! Growing pains stink! Is all I have to say.

  7. M Fourie says:

    ‘Just saw the Dr. Phil show in South Africa. Poligamy – the way you practise it – must be the sanest, most secure, fun, and loving form of family life going, and the best for any kid to grow up in! I laud your honesty and integrity, and while there will always be persecutors, prosecutors, and privacy invaders, you will, I believe and pray, from now on, enjoy increased acceptance, more business, and be Blessed beyond measure, because, bottom line, you are for real and deserve it!
    ‘Love you all, and give all the kids and grand one, a major big South African Hug and a kiss.

    • Joe says:

      Wow, we had no idea we were followed say down in that neck of the world! That is really neat to hear from you and thank you for your sincere expression of love. We feel blessed to count so many people as yourself friends, and it makes the word seem like a smaller and better place :) .

  8. Treopia says:

    I have so much admiration for what you guys are doing. Me being in rough spot in my marriage, I try to read relationship books and things of that sort. I’ve found the most inspiration and solace in polygamous marriages. And I not being a polygamist myself, I find that being in a plural marriage you are truly being the best version of yourself. It is so hard to forge an lifelong bond with one person and make it work in its most difficult times and I can’t imagine multiplying that. It humbles me to know the amount of patience, commitment, acceptance, communication and unconditional love it takes to makes a monogamous marriage healthy and functional(I would put happy but screw happy LOL) and you all have come together as a big unit and multiply this selfless practices. I could only imagine what great companionship you all have in each other and I am so happy for you. It takes alot of courage and conviction to practice your lifestyle and even more than that to be public, for that I am so proud of you all. I hope to hear a reply from you all and that you receive all of God’s great blessings.


  9. M. Abdullah says:“Why+Men+Matter”+Kathleen+Parker

    Our facebook page goes into it a bit.

    Feminism has gone way too far. Men have become feminine and men have become masculine in our times while the optimal happiness of a male and female is in mild patriarchy.

    • Joe says:

      I just checked out your FB and found it well done. I agree that women have been encouraged to be more masculine while the men have been not so much feminized as emasculated. Masculinity is seldom celebrated. We believe in patriarchal marriage, and under our FAQ we define what that means and what we think is the ideal role for feminine and masculine. When we are in alignment of our natural and created roles we are able to fulfill our purpose to a greater degree.

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